Quiet Morning

I am finally sitting here enjoying a quiet morning with my computer and a cup of coffee. I haven't had that in quite a while. Isaac has been getting up by about 6 to 6:30 lately. Actually, he was up at 5 today, but by 5:45 I finally got him back to sleep for a bit.

The last few days with my little man have been hard. He is teething so terribly bad. I feel so sorry for him, as I can not really find anything to give him any relief. For the last 3 days he has done nothing but cry and scream it seems. Throw a 3 month old puppy and a 2 1/2 yr old into the mix and there is nothing but chaos! I feel bad because my patience have been non-existent. Hopefully this quiet time will help me have more patience. :)

I have been keeping pretty busy, still. I am on a huge cleaning spree. So far I have thrown away 4 bags of garbage and put 5 more boxes into our storage unit. It's frustrating because I still have like 5 storage bins of stuff that I can unpack IF I had the furniture to do it. I need bookshelves and a desk to be able to unpack them. Also, I have 4 boxes of clothes in the kids' closet of Jazmine's old stuff but I am waiting to see if any of my pregnant friends are having girls before I give them away. Today I am getting out the paint and touching up the walls and taking down the lights to clean all those fixtures and globes.

Work is going good. Kind of mellow right now, but in the next week or so we will have 3 more apartments opening up that will need to be turned over. Actually, tomorrow I am going with Diana to court to see a court eviction process. Megan (Diana's daughter) will be watching the kids. Diana said it's a super boring almost annoying process, but she want's me to know what to expect if I ever have to go in her place. Guess that means maybe I should put some makeup on! ;)

Routine again! :)

Finally I get my "routine" back! Lenny is back working days. He is working 7-3 again, so I am hoping things get a little easier now that he isn't here during the days. It was impossible to get anything done with him working nights.

Today I am going to continue my "cleaning spree". Yesterday I tackled the kids room and the file cabinet. Threw out a box of paper recycling and two garbage bags full of toys that the kids will never miss. :) I also took apart the stove and dishwasher to "detail" clean those. Next on the agenda is the hall closet, bathroom cupboards, and on top of the fridge (I did the inside of the fridge the other day). Maybe even my bedroom closet. Oh, and I need to go through the kids clothes, too. The last three days I have not been able to put Isaac in the first outfit I grab for him. Too small. And Jazmine is getting slim pickings on the clothes, too. Time to get rid of stuff!

I also have a "To-Do" list for the apartment complex I want to get tackled. However, I do need to wait for the weather to clear up because it's all outside projects and I don't want the kids out in the rain all day.

Anyway...I think I'll go get some stuff done!!

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!

I have not written anything in FOREVER it seems like! But I have been so busy. I can barely keep track of what day it is. Part of my sanity is my hour or two on the computer every day....nope! Now down to about 15 minutes.

I have been very busy working. In the last two weeks I have had 5 apartments to turn over. I will post pics of a couple of them later, but let's just say... OMG! I have no idea how people can live like that! Cleaning, painting, and repairing. I also have to do them with the kids with me...so it is hard going. I can get about an hour out of them (1 1/2 if I am lucky) then we have to go out and run, or go to the park, or just do SOMETHING. You can only keep two toddlers busy in an empty apartment with just a backpack of toys for so long. :) Oh...and the apartments cleaning and paiting are "extra". They aren't part of the regular work here at the apartments. But it is so much fun to be busy, feel useful, and multi-task everything that I am. Soon I will start being in the office a couple days a week.

Also in the middle of all this going on Lenny has been working nights. It has made things a little more hectic because I have him here during the day...when I am used to just the kids. So I spend all day crazy busy, then after he leaves at night, I spend the next two hours getting the house back in order. Some nights (okay, most) I log on to yahoo to chat with Robin and Norma, so I don't clean until I am done with that, so I haven't been crawling into bed until about 1 AM or so. And I can NOT go to bed without the house clean. I just can't. I have tried.

Lastly thrown into the mix of all of this is Riley. He is an adorable, puppy we just got on Sunday. We had to intentions of getting a dog until we are in a house, but he is so cute and needed a good home. He was kind of obnoxious but that was just because he needed attention and wasn't able to get it. So thankfully he is already almost a completely different dog with all the attention and training he is getting now.

I am sure there is more craziness to write about, but my "free" time is up!!! Back to work!! Kids to feed, dog to walk, laundry to do, an apartment to clean (not mine) and some random stuff around the complex on my "To-Do List" for the day! I am vowing to make more time for me, though. I need it! I am running short on patience these days, so hopefully that will mean more time to post again. :) Oh....and here is Riley.

Martin Luther King Jr

Today is the 45th Anniversary of his "I Have a Dream" speech. I just thought I would share. My children may not be if it weren't for the progress MLK helped pave the way for, and this nation may just very well be an entirely different nation if it weren't for him. Ordinary people doing Extraordinary things.

Life is precious....

I started to type a post about how the last few days have been and just some silly ramblings. However, I just learned that a friend of a friend of mine just lost her partner, best friend, and father of her child. At the age of 28. And it all seems so irrelevant now.

My heart is breaking. I can feel an emptiness in the depth of my soul and I don't even know these people. It is a reminder that life is so very precious, and often times too short. There are so many things I am thinking that I wish I could share here but can't. But I will say this.... Cherish those in your life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't risk waking up tomorrow and having to live with the "if only I'd told them". Apologize, forgive, admit when you are wrong, laugh, love...create memories. And do not settle. Do not settle for anything in life. Whether it's love, career, family...go after your dreams. Don't plan on "tomorrow" always being there. Because it may not be.

Worthless

Yesterday was not the best day. Jazmine was full on in "Terrible 2" mode throwing temper tantrums ALL afternoon. Isaac is cutting 3 more molars so he was crying ALL afternoon.

Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.

It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.

Olympic Lip Syncing

Yesterday the fact that the little girl in the Opening Ceremonies was not really singing was broadcast over and over on the news. I am deeply bothered by that. Not really so much for the girl who was part of the ceremony. But for the girl who was deemed "not suitable for TV". Are you kidding me??

I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.

I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.

Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.

Dreams

What is it about dreams?

I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.

But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........

Cocoa

Yesterday was a tough day. Not that many people know, but we have a couple ferrets. I get tired of "explaining" about them to ignorant people who know nothing about what wonderful creatures they are, since they are so sure they are dirty and stink and bite, etc. , so I just normally don't mention anything. They are ours. We love them. And they are fabulous, loving (and surprisingly clean) pets. We have had them for about 4 years.

Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.

I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.

After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.

I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.

I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.

Another year begins...

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Wowza!! That is hard to say. It's crazy because if I look at where I thought I would be by 32, compared to where I actually am, I should be totally depressed. I was going to have a great career, own a home that is well decorated, travel, still be thin (LOL) and have money in the bank.

I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....

But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.