Without too many details, life has not been easy these last few years. For years I would literally drop to the ground almost daily crying and begging for the Lord to show me the way out or to just end my misery. But He never did. When I was down and as broken as I thought I could be, He always gave me the strength to get back up. I'd ask for a way out, and he'd give me a feeling of calm. (For the record, NOT what I wanted from Him. I was tired of the going on, I was just ready to be DONE.) I figured when He stopped giving me what I needed to go on, then I could quit.
Now on the other side of the murky darkness, I wouldn't change anything. Those years have made me who I am right now, today. I am more patient, I have learned to bite my tongue before saying hurtful things, I am a better parent because of it, and most importantly, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that God is there for me. I might not agree with what He gives me, I might not want it, it might not be the answer I wanted from Him, but I KNOW He is there and He will give me whatever it is I truly do need.
It's easy sometimes to still mourn the lost time, though. My husband lost time with the Lord and withdrew from his family, I lost time with my husband, I lost time being JOYFUL. While at church a couple weeks ago, we sang a worship song with the lines "He will redeem the lost years, He will wipe my tears" The second I heard that, I made a mental note to tell my husband as soon as I got home to NOT be mad over the last few years, but to rest in the knowledge that the Lord will REDEEM those years. It's okay to just let it go. As soon as that song was over, it was time for the Children's Ministry leader, Leah, to come up to pray for the children and release them to go to the back. But before the prayer, my dear friend stood up front and basically said "I don't usually do this and talk to specific people from the front, but I really felt the Lord wanted me to do this.......Jenn, God wants you to know He will redeem lost years. He will give that back and don't fret about that time you feel was lost."
I started crying and felt PEACE. He just told me basically Himself to rest in Him and not worry about lost time. Leah didn't know what I was thinking right then, she was on the other side of the room....she also doesn't really know the depths of the darkness of the last few years. But He does. And He used her to tell me it's going to be okay. And it was reinforcing to me that that message was what I needed to share with my husband.
God is so good....and just rest assured He is there. And if you are feeling guilt, remorse, anger or anything like that over lost time, remember that the Lord will REDEEM those years. Just give it up to Him.
