Randomness....

I haven't blogged in a bit, but I have had tons going on and tons of thoughts swirling in my mind. I'll forewarn now to those who are about to read....this is going to be long, disorganized, completely random, and maybe even make no sense. And it's going to be too much information about my life. But that is what my mind is like right now... so consider yourself warned. ;)

Things have been challenging lately. The economy isn't getting any better as far as it is treating our household. Hubby is home more than he is at work these days. I can't seem to make a darn penny to add to help out the household no matter how hard I try. All the plates we are balancing to make ends meet are slowly crashing to the floor. It is what it is. And I am faced with two choices as I see it....I can be mad, angry, bitter, and lose faith...or I can look for the lesson from the Lord and realize He is in control, and I am where I am supposed to be. I am choosing the second option.

It sounds silly to many, but the physical pain in my heart at not being able to put something under the tree for the children is so very intense. I am not one to spoil the children, and ever since they were born for every gift they receive for Christmas and birthdays, they give a toy away to children who don't have any. And the kids actually take this quite seriously, and put alot of thought into what toys to give away. It is very important to them that the other children will like to play with the toys. But there is nothing under the tree this year. There is from the grandparents, but not from mommy and daddy. How can I spend money on presents when only divine intervention will pay rent this month? How can I spend money on presents when it is 14degrees outside and I'd REALLY like to keep the power on? Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes right now. I can't provide for my children. It rips my heart in two, and it literally takes my breath away.

But then I look to the lesson....And I think about the millions, and I do mean millions, of parents who can't provide for their children. The parents who can't even afford to FEED their children, and have to sit by and watch their children shrink and deteriorate from malnutrition. The parents who can't afford to put shoes on their children's feet and they are forced to walk around barefoot on rocks while their feet are getting cut open and infected. I think of the millions of orphans who have no parents and nobody to worry about providing for them and are trying to fend for themselves. I think of the orphans who are fortunate enough to live in homes where there are caregivers, but then think of the pain those caregivers must feel at struggling to take care of them with the limited financial resources they have. And I realize my pain pales in comparison.

And everyone of these children belong to God. He feels the pain and heartache at every suffering child. I can't even imagine what that heartache must feel like. His pain is millions times worse. And maybe my lesson is to know pain, that though it is nothing like what millions others feel, it is enough of a pain to make me THANKFUL for my circumstances, and make me MORE determined to spread the word about the less fortunate and orphans of the world.

Whatever this near future brings, I only know two things....God is in control, and no matter what happens my children will only see joy in our situation. That's about all I can do.

Perspective

Jazmine fell into the river while we were fishing this summer. I heard a splash and saw her completely under the water with those big blue eyes looking up at me. She kicked and kicked and was trying to get above water. I was petrified. I instantly jumped into the river to grab her. That was my baby. Floating in a river. I am not a strong swimmer. Not strong enough to be able to swim carrying a child. But by the grace of God I somehow managed to find a rock right where I jumped in that was up high enough for me to tip-toe on to be able to pull her up and onto the rocky bank.

She was fine. She held her breath the entire time. Didn't even come up coughing. She was so petrified. Isaac was petrified. They were both crying. I managed to hold myself together because I didn't want to scare them any more than they were.

Later back at camp, as I had just turned off the Coleman stove and dished up the kids food, it hit me. The stress of it all came crashing around me. I had to run off into the woods to vomit. I started sweating and shaking uncontrollably. But all I kept thinking was that my little girl could of just as easily NOT been sitting there eating dinner with us. She could of been in hospital, or worse yet, she could of been dead. And by the Grace of God she was there. And she was fine! God is good!

The crazy thing about the whole thing, is the perspectives we take in life. Jazmine remembers I saved her. She doesn't even talk about being scared or anything. She says about it "Mommy, I fell in river but you saved me. You saved me, mommy." This happened in August, and just last night, out of the blue (coincidentally about 2 minutes after I had just been thinking about it) she says "remember, you saved me when I fell in the river. Do you remember that you saved me mommy?" I tell her Mommy is the one who jumped in the river, but it was Jesus who was keeping her safe until I could pull her out. She doesn't completely understand that yet, but one day she will.

And though she is safe, I have a hard time seeing it from her perspective. I always usually look at the bright side of things. Always have and I hopefully always will. But this one episode brings to the forefront of my mind that not everyone sees things the same way. Some people only see what they deem as the failure in a situation, or what they perceive as hopelessness. I don't remember I pulled her out until later. That is not the first thought that crosses my mind. All I initially think about is that she COULD of died, and I FAILED as a parent because she fell in in the first place. She should of never fell in.

My question for you to think about is this....What perspective do you look at life with?

Yikes!!! LOL!

I did it..... I just decided to "go for it". :)

Wish me luck and lots of prayers that this works!!

www.designs-by-jenn.blogspot.com

The site is not perfect, by any means. There will be "tweaks" and changes and more photos and services added as the next few days go by. But I know me, and if I waited until I thought is was perfect, it would never get up and published!!

Talking to the Church

The other day I emailed the Pastor at church in charge of Missions asking about what all we have done for our missions activities. Our church goes to Mexico once a year to build a house for a homeless family, and once they built 2 churches. And then one year the High School youth group volunteered at an orphanage for a week. We also have a couple whom the church helps support the work they do, and they are now leaving for Cambodia to help run a school that teaches Missionaries. All good things, all GOD things. But I feel like we can do more.

We also have the Dream Center....every Saturday people go into neighborhoods, knock on doors, and say "Hey, do you need anything?" They mow lawns, run errands, pull weeds, haul away garbage, whatever the people need. Also, the children of the neighborhoods are invited every Saturday to a local middle school where we have been given use of the gym and cafeteria. There are youth groups meeting, crafts, food, games...things that these less fortunate children wouldn't normally get to experience. Another HUGE thing that came out of this was a Free Medical Clinic. It is so hard to get health care here in Oregon from the state if you don't have any other insurance. (I should know....my diabetic husband was denied when we had a monthly income of $600 to support a family of 4!!) Anyway....this is another FABULOUS thing our church is doing. I love it, and it makes me happy. A good thing, a GOD thing. :) But I feel like we can do more.

So today I have emailed the church again, but this time to talk about Amazima and 147MillionOrphans. PLEASE wish me luck and send prayers. I have this deep feeling in the very depths of me, that there is more I should be doing in some way. My next step is to see if I can get the our church to pay attention. I'll let you know how it goes!!

Rough day

Yesterday was a rough day. Today still is, too. Today's tears are being shed for yesterday.

Everyone who knows me knows I take and take and take, refusing to be defeated, insisting on smiling at the world and saying "I feel fabulous, thank you!". And then one day, it's too much. I crumble. I feel defeated. I hurt. And then the awful sinner in me lashes out. I hurt so bad that I lash out trying to hurt someone else as I do, so I don't feel alone in my pain.

What I forget during these times is that I am not alone in my pain. The Lord is there with me, he feels my pain, and even more than that He feels so much more pain because He feels the pain of all His children. I also forget that during these times, there is a battle going on for my soul. The devil is trying to win it over, and the Lord is using these times to draw me closer to Him. To find the strength to endure in Him. I am only human....I am too weak to do it on my own. I have two choices....I can remember that He is there and draw nearer to him, learning and growing, or I can give in to Satan. I gave in to Satan yesterday. I am ashamed. I lashed out in anger, I said hurtful things to those who love me, I was short-tempered with the kids, not giving them the patience they deserve from me. I feel like I was a terrible wife/mother yesterday. And I am struggling with it today. It is so hard to forgive myself....and it is hard to imagine that the Lord forgives me, but thankfully He does. Thankfully in my darkest hours when I have given up on myself, He hasn't. His love endures.

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
(Lamentations 3:22-24 - The Message)

Mocha Club

One of the websites I have been so excited about officially launched it's new site last night, and I am can't wait to shop! Family reading this.... chances are your Christmas gifts will come from here... ;)


Now, as I was clicking around on the new site and reading the "Read Me" section, they had ministries listed that are good ones to check out. The first one, AMAZINA.org is already one that I support and LOVE the things they are doing. There was another one on the list that caught my eye, too. It was the Mocha Club. Now, I am thinking it is my obsession with coffee that caused me to notice it, but either way I did. And I am glad I did!

It is an organization where you donate $7 a month (about the cost of 2 Mocha's) to support a project they are supporting in Africa. As soon as I saw they had one for Orphans/Vulnerable Children, I was sold. Of course I immediately signed up. Now this is where I ask for your help. If you think you'd be interested in helping out, PLEASE click the logo below and go join my team of people helping that I am trying to build. And if you AREN'T interested, could you help and just please pass the info on? Send someone else here to see if they may be interested. THANK YOU so much for your help!!

Forgot what it was like....

Grandma Doris has been here visiting the last couple weeks. As a stay home mom with no car, I LOVE the company. :)
Well, I have had some Red Lobster gift cards for over a year, and we just don't get the chance to go out to eat often enough for me to be willing to take the kids there just yet. So we just keep holding on to the gift cards. However, Grandma decided that Mommy and Daddy were going to use them. So the other night, just my husband and I went out to dinner. It was nice, quiet, relaxing, and I kept watching everyone else's kids thinking...."Awww....I miss mine, we should of brought them." LOL...yep, that is my crazy mind for you! ;) However, it was fabulous to sit and have an adult conversation and enjoy a couple hours with just my husband. We haven't been out to dinner alone since probably about June of 2006. I had forgotten what it was like to not try to keep excessive amounts of food off the floor, try to keep active toddlers seated in their boosters, convince them that salt and pepper shakers aren't toys, and get them to consistently use their "inside voice". Oh, and be able to actually enjoy the appetizer, salad, and entree, without having to ask for a box as soon as the entrees come because that is one course too many for a 2yr and 3yr old. :)

In the course of reading all the adoption blogs I am enjoying so much, I came across this family's blog. They have already adopted previously, but received a call from the adoption agency they used asking them if they wanted to adopt again in a "pilot" program they were launching. Well, if THEY call YOU, ASKING to adopt, I am thinking that is a HUGE sign that the Lord has plans for you to have another child! Since they weren't planning on adoption when they got the call, they are also working on fundraising.

Check out their adoption blog here....
Help Us Bring Our Child Home!

This with FABULOUS items handmade to help fundraise...
Denise's Creations

I can't begin to comprehend.....

I am so baffled. I can't get my mind to stop trying to rationalize, and I just come up with nothing.

There are so many people who think that my passion about the orphan crisis is a sweet "stage" I am going through. They can't even begin to understand where I am coming from. I have always wanted to help children who need families my whole life, but until recently I had no idea how BIG of a problem it is. Now that I know what I know, I can't turn my head. I can't just say "Wow, that is so sad" and then walk away. I know I can't "fix" it, like I always try to do with every other problem that comes my way. This is definitely different. But just helping one orphan get food and healthcare, or better yet...a forever family to come home to, helps.

I look at my children, and my heart is overjoyed. They are loved...so very well loved. They are happy, they smile and laugh, and give out hugs and kisses constantly. They are tender spirits who love everyone and everything. They know that the person missing a leg is special, because God chose them to be that way to serve his purpose. They know that God loves everyone equally, and He made everyone different in different ways. Some ways you can see on the outside, and some ways you can't see. They are smart, and funny, and I could go on forever about them. They are well fed, well clothed, are played with, have warm comfortable beds to sleep in. They are truly blessed, and even more than that.....I am truly blessed to have them. They are the best gift from God ever.

But I also look at them and wonder....why? Why do my children deserve such love when there are millions of children who don't get that? Don't get me wrong...as a mother, of COURSE I think my children are special enough to get what they get. I wouldn't settle for anything less for them. But what makes it okay for all the orphans to not be treated the way all of God's children deserve to be treated? Why do so many people turn their heads? If I can help feed them, or help get them home to families, why would I not?? How can someone in good conscious hear the details of the orphan crisis, and then walk away? How can a parent do that? I don't understand. I can't begin to wrap my head around it.

It makes me cry that there are so many people who say "How sad", and then go on their merry little ways drinking their coffee and doing more shopping for cars they don't need, shoes they will never wear, books they will probably not even read. Why can't more people understand that if they bought one less cup of coffee a week, bought one less magazine a week, one less manicure a month, eat out once time less a month.....they would be helping.

Can people do more? Can I do more? Yes. Definitely. But something is better than nothing. And maybe, just maybe, doing something small will spark a desire to do more. In the meantime, while I struggle with trying to understand how so many people can not care, I will continue to spread the word. Hopefully I can get through to someone.

"....once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do.
God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls,
knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12