Friday, October 23, 2009

Rough day

Yesterday was a rough day. Today still is, too. Today's tears are being shed for yesterday.

Everyone who knows me knows I take and take and take, refusing to be defeated, insisting on smiling at the world and saying "I feel fabulous, thank you!". And then one day, it's too much. I crumble. I feel defeated. I hurt. And then the awful sinner in me lashes out. I hurt so bad that I lash out trying to hurt someone else as I do, so I don't feel alone in my pain.

What I forget during these times is that I am not alone in my pain. The Lord is there with me, he feels my pain, and even more than that He feels so much more pain because He feels the pain of all His children. I also forget that during these times, there is a battle going on for my soul. The devil is trying to win it over, and the Lord is using these times to draw me closer to Him. To find the strength to endure in Him. I am only human....I am too weak to do it on my own. I have two choices....I can remember that He is there and draw nearer to him, learning and growing, or I can give in to Satan. I gave in to Satan yesterday. I am ashamed. I lashed out in anger, I said hurtful things to those who love me, I was short-tempered with the kids, not giving them the patience they deserve from me. I feel like I was a terrible wife/mother yesterday. And I am struggling with it today. It is so hard to forgive myself....and it is hard to imagine that the Lord forgives me, but thankfully He does. Thankfully in my darkest hours when I have given up on myself, He hasn't. His love endures.

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
(Lamentations 3:22-24 - The Message)