Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I haven't blogged in a bit, but I have had tons going on and tons of thoughts swirling in my mind. I'll forewarn now to those who are about to read....this is going to be long, disorganized, completely random, and maybe even make no sense. And it's going to be too much information about my life. But that is what my mind is like right now... so consider yourself warned. ;)

Things have been challenging lately. The economy isn't getting any better as far as it is treating our household. Hubby is home more than he is at work these days. I can't seem to make a darn penny to add to help out the household no matter how hard I try. All the plates we are balancing to make ends meet are slowly crashing to the floor. It is what it is. And I am faced with two choices as I see it....I can be mad, angry, bitter, and lose faith...or I can look for the lesson from the Lord and realize He is in control, and I am where I am supposed to be. I am choosing the second option.

It sounds silly to many, but the physical pain in my heart at not being able to put something under the tree for the children is so very intense. I am not one to spoil the children, and ever since they were born for every gift they receive for Christmas and birthdays, they give a toy away to children who don't have any. And the kids actually take this quite seriously, and put alot of thought into what toys to give away. It is very important to them that the other children will like to play with the toys. But there is nothing under the tree this year. There is from the grandparents, but not from mommy and daddy. How can I spend money on presents when only divine intervention will pay rent this month? How can I spend money on presents when it is 14degrees outside and I'd REALLY like to keep the power on? Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes right now. I can't provide for my children. It rips my heart in two, and it literally takes my breath away.

But then I look to the lesson....And I think about the millions, and I do mean millions, of parents who can't provide for their children. The parents who can't even afford to FEED their children, and have to sit by and watch their children shrink and deteriorate from malnutrition. The parents who can't afford to put shoes on their children's feet and they are forced to walk around barefoot on rocks while their feet are getting cut open and infected. I think of the millions of orphans who have no parents and nobody to worry about providing for them and are trying to fend for themselves. I think of the orphans who are fortunate enough to live in homes where there are caregivers, but then think of the pain those caregivers must feel at struggling to take care of them with the limited financial resources they have. And I realize my pain pales in comparison.

And everyone of these children belong to God. He feels the pain and heartache at every suffering child. I can't even imagine what that heartache must feel like. His pain is millions times worse. And maybe my lesson is to know pain, that though it is nothing like what millions others feel, it is enough of a pain to make me THANKFUL for my circumstances, and make me MORE determined to spread the word about the less fortunate and orphans of the world.

Whatever this near future brings, I only know two things....God is in control, and no matter what happens my children will only see joy in our situation. That's about all I can do.


Jennifer T. said...

Hi Jenn,

I understand in a way! I had no idea how we would do gifts this year when every month I'm scrapping together everything I can to meet staff salaries. It was only by the generosity of Bolivian friends that our kids received such a beautiful Christmas.

I pray that your (and our) situation improves in 2010!!

Blessings on your family and the adoption plans!
Jennifer in Bolivia