I started to type a post about how the last few days have been and just some silly ramblings. However, I just learned that a friend of a friend of mine just lost her partner, best friend, and father of her child. At the age of 28. And it all seems so irrelevant now.
My heart is breaking. I can feel an emptiness in the depth of my soul and I don't even know these people. It is a reminder that life is so very precious, and often times too short. There are so many things I am thinking that I wish I could share here but can't. But I will say this.... Cherish those in your life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't risk waking up tomorrow and having to live with the "if only I'd told them". Apologize, forgive, admit when you are wrong, laugh, love...create memories. And do not settle. Do not settle for anything in life. Whether it's love, career, family...go after your dreams. Don't plan on "tomorrow" always being there. Because it may not be.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Worthless
Yesterday was not the best day. Jazmine was full on in "Terrible 2" mode throwing temper tantrums ALL afternoon. Isaac is cutting 3 more molars so he was crying ALL afternoon.
Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.
It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.
Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.
It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Olympic Lip Syncing
Yesterday the fact that the little girl in the Opening Ceremonies was not really singing was broadcast over and over on the news. I am deeply bothered by that. Not really so much for the girl who was part of the ceremony. But for the girl who was deemed "not suitable for TV". Are you kidding me??
I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.
I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.
Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.
I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.
I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.
Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Dreams
What is it about dreams?
I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.
But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........
I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.
But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Cocoa
Yesterday was a tough day. Not that many people know, but we have a couple ferrets. I get tired of "explaining" about them to ignorant people who know nothing about what wonderful creatures they are, since they are so sure they are dirty and stink and bite, etc. , so I just normally don't mention anything. They are ours. We love them. And they are fabulous, loving (and surprisingly clean) pets. We have had them for about 4 years.
Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.
I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.
After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.
I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.
I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.
Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.
I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.
After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.
I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.
I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Another year begins...
Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Wowza!! That is hard to say. It's crazy because if I look at where I thought I would be by 32, compared to where I actually am, I should be totally depressed. I was going to have a great career, own a home that is well decorated, travel, still be thin (LOL) and have money in the bank.
I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....
But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.
I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....
But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Creature of habit
Isn't it funny how our bodies get "trained"?
Now, don't yell at me, but Lenny can NOT wake up to an alarm clock. Just does not happen. He doesn't hear it. So my routine is that I wake up, get some coffee, spend a couple minutes relaxing, then wake him up. When he was here in Salem, he didn't need to get up until 6:30. So I woke up at 6:15. After a couple weeks, I always woke up before the alarm clock. He is working in Lebanon now, which is a 38 mile commute, so he is up at 5:55 to be out the door by 6:10. I am finally starting to get used to getting up at 5:45, but the first couple days were so hard! But by 6:15 (what had been my wake up time) I am ready to conquer the world. And then today I noticed that by 6 I was ready to go. Slowly training my body to be up. I like that it's so easy for me to be such a morning person, but for the life of me I can never sleep in. If I sleep until 7 I feel like I wasted my entire morning!
It's kind of crazy, how I like to be spontaneous, yet at the same time I take such comfort in my routines. I guess I just easily can go with the flow. If something comes up at the last second, I love it and am perfectly adaptable. Otherwise, I stick to my schedule.
From the time Lenny leaves at 6:10 until 7:30 is "my" time. I watch the news, drink my coffee, and mess around on the computer. After 7:30 is an unknown. It all depends on when the children wake up. From 11-12, I get a little more time to myself, with Jazmine watching her show and resting, Isaac napping, and me messing around on Photoshop or something (while watching my show). Soon as Isaac wakes up it's lunch time then we are typically out the door. A walk to the park, the store, or just playing outside. By 3 we are back inside and I start working on dinner while cleaning up the house. The kids are usually playing in their room, or destroying what I have just cleaned. :) Lenny is home at 4:15, he takes the children back outside to play for a few minutes while I finish dinner, then it's time to eat. After dinner, it's more play time with the children. Baths around 7:00, bedtime about 8:30. Once the children are asleep, kitchen gets cleaned, living room and bathroom get cleaned back up, and by 10 it's "me" time again. I usually like to spend a half hour to hour watching some TV or reading before going to bed by 11.
It is tough going to bed at 11, getting up with Isaac every hour or two, and then getting up in the morning by 5:45, but my "me" time is so important, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to get it!
Now, don't yell at me, but Lenny can NOT wake up to an alarm clock. Just does not happen. He doesn't hear it. So my routine is that I wake up, get some coffee, spend a couple minutes relaxing, then wake him up. When he was here in Salem, he didn't need to get up until 6:30. So I woke up at 6:15. After a couple weeks, I always woke up before the alarm clock. He is working in Lebanon now, which is a 38 mile commute, so he is up at 5:55 to be out the door by 6:10. I am finally starting to get used to getting up at 5:45, but the first couple days were so hard! But by 6:15 (what had been my wake up time) I am ready to conquer the world. And then today I noticed that by 6 I was ready to go. Slowly training my body to be up. I like that it's so easy for me to be such a morning person, but for the life of me I can never sleep in. If I sleep until 7 I feel like I wasted my entire morning!
It's kind of crazy, how I like to be spontaneous, yet at the same time I take such comfort in my routines. I guess I just easily can go with the flow. If something comes up at the last second, I love it and am perfectly adaptable. Otherwise, I stick to my schedule.
From the time Lenny leaves at 6:10 until 7:30 is "my" time. I watch the news, drink my coffee, and mess around on the computer. After 7:30 is an unknown. It all depends on when the children wake up. From 11-12, I get a little more time to myself, with Jazmine watching her show and resting, Isaac napping, and me messing around on Photoshop or something (while watching my show). Soon as Isaac wakes up it's lunch time then we are typically out the door. A walk to the park, the store, or just playing outside. By 3 we are back inside and I start working on dinner while cleaning up the house. The kids are usually playing in their room, or destroying what I have just cleaned. :) Lenny is home at 4:15, he takes the children back outside to play for a few minutes while I finish dinner, then it's time to eat. After dinner, it's more play time with the children. Baths around 7:00, bedtime about 8:30. Once the children are asleep, kitchen gets cleaned, living room and bathroom get cleaned back up, and by 10 it's "me" time again. I usually like to spend a half hour to hour watching some TV or reading before going to bed by 11.
It is tough going to bed at 11, getting up with Isaac every hour or two, and then getting up in the morning by 5:45, but my "me" time is so important, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to get it!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
An inspirational man
Randy Pausch passed away last Friday. He had pancreatic cancer. I watched the original Diane Sawyer interview with him when it aired, and last night I watched it again with the update at the end of his passing. There was such a peace about him and his wife. He was strong and wanted to be sure to finish out his life to the fullest. I plan on buying the book "The Last Lecture" soon. There was something he said in the interview that really got to me. He said how the only part of him knowing he was going to die that still caused him to cry was when he talked about his children and wife. And it wasn't that he wasn't going to be around to see them grow up, it was that they were being deprived of him. He said that soon someone was going to push his family off a cliff, and he wouldnt' be there to catch them. All he could do for them was to try to build safety nets to save them. He could be angry and bitter, or he could get busy building the nets. So that is what he was doing. It is yet another reminder to me to cherish the small moments because they are what matter. Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow.
Here are a couple quotes from his famous "lecture"...
-Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day because there's no other way to play it.
Here are a couple quotes from his famous "lecture"...
-Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day because there's no other way to play it.
-Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
-No one is pure evil. Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you.
-Brick walls are there for a reason. They are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop people who don't want it badly enough.
-It is not about achieving your dreams but living your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.
-We can't change the cards we're dealt, just how we play the hand. If I'm not as depressed as you think I should be, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Birthday, really????
Today we are going to the beach. Lenny got laid off yesterday, which we knew was coming, so all 7 of us are heading to Lincoln City for some sun, surf, and seafood! However, Lenny said we could do it to celebrate my birthday. Really??? My birthday?? Already?
Yep. Next weekend I will celebrate my 32nd birthday. I knew it was coming. I have just been avoiding it. By him mentioning celebrating it (since we have obligations next weekend) it was thrown back in my face. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach in a way to think that I am getting so old. I do admit that I am grateful I don't look my age. But being 32 is a hard one to wrap my mind around.
I guess I won't. I'll continue to avoid it. Pretend we are celebrating something else at the beach today. :) I can do that. At least for another week! :)
Yep. Next weekend I will celebrate my 32nd birthday. I knew it was coming. I have just been avoiding it. By him mentioning celebrating it (since we have obligations next weekend) it was thrown back in my face. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach in a way to think that I am getting so old. I do admit that I am grateful I don't look my age. But being 32 is a hard one to wrap my mind around.
I guess I won't. I'll continue to avoid it. Pretend we are celebrating something else at the beach today. :) I can do that. At least for another week! :)
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Feeling Great!!
I feel fabulous today! I mean I am always in a good mood, etc...but today is better.
Yesterday I cut my hair off. It was almost to my butt and now it's about my shoulders. I love it! I did my hair this morning and actually felt semi-attractive. That is huge. I don't remember the last time I felt that way. To top it off...I got on the scale...6 pounds down. WooHoo!!! However, I will keep quiet about how many more I want to lose.
Also, a "job" opportunity has fallen in my (and Lenny's) lap. Our apartment manager needs help with an assistant manager position and a maintenance position. So between the two of us we are going to tag-team it. I am excited. It is no huge amount of money, that is for sure, but it is a little extra every month, plus our rent is taken care of. And the best part....I have no need to put the children in daycare! Some of the stuff I can do with them with me, and when I need to be in the office for the day, it will be a weekend and Lenny can take care of them. Plus the office is literally next door.
I am so excited. For many reasons, I am feeling great!!!!!
Yesterday I cut my hair off. It was almost to my butt and now it's about my shoulders. I love it! I did my hair this morning and actually felt semi-attractive. That is huge. I don't remember the last time I felt that way. To top it off...I got on the scale...6 pounds down. WooHoo!!! However, I will keep quiet about how many more I want to lose.
Also, a "job" opportunity has fallen in my (and Lenny's) lap. Our apartment manager needs help with an assistant manager position and a maintenance position. So between the two of us we are going to tag-team it. I am excited. It is no huge amount of money, that is for sure, but it is a little extra every month, plus our rent is taken care of. And the best part....I have no need to put the children in daycare! Some of the stuff I can do with them with me, and when I need to be in the office for the day, it will be a weekend and Lenny can take care of them. Plus the office is literally next door.
I am so excited. For many reasons, I am feeling great!!!!!
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