Monday, May 19, 2008

I hate my body

I am so over it!! I hate it. I cry almost every day!! And this past weekend was REALLY bad!! It was 95-100 degrees out for the last 4 days. And all I had that fit me was jeans and a couple t-shirts. Now, I doubt I would of worn shorts in public being this fat, but at least around the house I could of. But nope. I have nothing that fits for summer clothes. Another reminder that I am a big huge fat slob!!!!

I have been living on caffeine, all natural diet pills and salad and veggies. I exercise (only in the apartment) everyday. I hardly every sit down hoping that whatever I do will burn an extra calorie or two. (Even now I am standing typing this stepping side to side to keep moving.) I am at the point where I honestly don't know what else to do. I REFUSE to accept looking like this. I hate myself right now. I hate looking in the mirror. Being fat and ugly is ruining my mood lately. And I am normally in a good mood. But it's getting to me. I don't know how much longer I can keep a smile on my face or just make jokes or PRETEND I am okay with how I look. I am not okay with it.

And I am obsessed with the scale. I step on it probably 5 times a day. And it NEVER changes. Not up, not down....just stays the same. Its so hard to keep the motivation to keep dieting and exercising when there is not a single pound lost in return. But I keep doing it. To keep failing. But I keep doing it anyway.

I am not asking to be a size zero again. I am not. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not be embarrassed to go out in public, and not hate myself.


Anonymous said...

step one - throw your scale away! the more you use it the more obsessed you get and the more obsessed you get the more stressed out you get. STRESS ON YOUR BODY STORES FAT CELLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


step two - by some clothes that fit you. stop living with the stress and irritation that you have no clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We 3 Peas said...

Jenn, I am so so so sorry. :( I know exactly how you feel. I think all women do, especially those with children!! But just remember that God just gave us these shells for a while before we go to heaven.

ps- I know it can't change your mind, but I think you are absolutely gorgeous and perfect!!

Braiden and Family said...

I couldn't agree with Brandi more. I think you are beautiful and perfect! But of course, we ALL view ourselves in a different light. I also agree with your friend, STAY OFF THE SCALE!!! It is truely evil! I know we want things to happen overnight, lord know I have tried, but in due will happen! In the meantime...I LUUUUVVV you, and I think you are one HOT MAMA!!