Fallen off the wagon.....

That is what I feel like. I feel like the last couple months I have fallen off the wagon. I have lost focus on what is important in life. I have veered the last couple months from my New Years Resolution that happiness, fulfillment, strength, can only come from the Lord. Through HIM all things are possible. I am getting refocused right now. Some how, though she has no idea she does it, my dear friend Helen is always the one to help me get back on track. Whether it is by a book to read, a bible verse she posted, a website to check out, she helps. And I am so grateful to her.

As I was thinking through how to solve this dilemma of having fallen, I started to try to think of something to help keep me focused. I am a reader. I love to read. But for the very life of me, I struggle so much with the reading of the Bible. I know it's the Lords words, I know I will benefit more than I can possibly imagine through the reading of it, it is just so "not my style". I feel like a terrible Christian and child of God for saying this, but I get bored. So I have ordered two books I am hoping will help me read the Word better. I am so very excited for them to get here!!!

I am such a slacker

I have been so terrible about blogging lately. Trying to do tons of projects, but also just been pretty busy. In all honesty, I was going to write about what I have been up to this past month, but I got sidetracked. My typical "routine" when I log in to Blogger is to see what my friends have been posting first. Once I feel I am done catching up with everyone else, then I take some time to do a little blogging myself. However, in the process of catching up with everyones blogs I came across a message that touched me. I needed to hear it and didn't even know. I need to thank Helen for posting this..... and I am going to re-post it!
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"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." Acts 4:13 (NIV)

What if someone followed me around with a video camera all day documenting my every move? Catching on camera all of my words, facial expressions, actions, and reactions. And then what if someone packaged it all together and played it on some sort of reality TV show for all the world to see? What would be the glaring message of my life?

I am convicted thinking about this.

You see, if someone were to ask me, what are you all about? I would have some nice sounding answers. But what actually happens during the strains of everyday life can sometim es betray my best intentions.

I want to be a loving wife. Yet I can sometimes be found in a grumpy, selfish mood and view my husband as a business partner that better hold up his end of helping out.

I want to be a wise and patient mom. But my kids know the exact buttons to push that send me into a tailspin of emotion and exhaustion.

I want to be a strong witness for Christ. So why is it that I can read my Bible first thing in the morning and then find myself honking at the person that cuts me off in traffic just an hour later?

I realize there is a place for God's tender mercies for me in all this. But I also know that while no TV cameras are following me around, my life is speaking a message about what I really believe and I want that message to honor Jesus. I once heard, "Great sermons are not preached, they are lived." Oh how I long to live a message that speaks loud and clear, "Jesus is true and the principles found in His teachings work!"

Let's just be honest, it's tough being a sold out soul for Christ stuck in a body that is so tempted to sin. That's why it's essential I view my time with God each morning as a preparation and an invitation.

• Preparation: Every verse, devotion and prayer is all part of God's preparation for me that day. Instead of just rushing to check off my to do list that I spent a few minutes with God, I must allow His teachings to seep into my heart and mind. Then I must ask God to interrupt my natural flesh response and remind me throughout the day the truths He taught me that morning. That's the preparation part.

• Invitation: The next essential view of my quiet time each morning is recognizing I've just invited Jesus to do life with me today, so I need to look for His activity throughout my day. My minute by minute theme then becomes, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." So if my husband forgets to do something he promised, or my kids push my buttons, or a person cuts me off in traffic, or one of the other one million things happens that causes my flesh to want to rear up and act ugly… I can say, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." This slight pause and acknowledgement of God redirects my frustration and replaces it with grace. And most wonderful of all, it helps me connect my time with Jesus to everyday life choices. Making that connection is how we personally hear from and experience God!

I know, sometimes it's hard to spend time with Jesus first thing in the morning. And I'm certainly not trying to make this just another demand on our time. But, why not spend just a few minutes… even if it is just a few… letting Jesus prepare us for whatever we'll be facing that day and invite Him to intervene before our natural reactions to things betray our best intentions. Then and only then will my life speak to the fact that I have spent time with Jesus… and without saying a word, my imperfect life will be a God-honoring sermon.
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This was taken from a wonderfully inspirational site HERE

The thing I miss the most about working....

....is that feeling of "Ahhhhh.....it's Friday!!". Knowing that you had at least one day of sleep, rest, relaxation, doing what was on your own agenda, etc...

Norma!

What a wonderful week last week!! It has been a crazy busy last couple weeks with Lenny's mom coming to visit for a week, 4th of July, the Fair, Lenny's uncle visiting, my mom coming, and then last week...NORMA was here. :) I have not seen her in 15 years no thanks to some so called "family". And it was awesome! I have missed her so much, and to finally sit around and just talk, and see her little girl was awesome! She even brought her two wonderful nieces with her. They are all truly amazing girls. We hung out a little, and went camping. The weather was perfect (well, okay, it was a little hot...LOL) the children had a blast playing and swimming, we all hung around talking and laughing, and even played some Monopoly. It was definitely a time to cherish. Hopefully she is headed back here soon!!!

4 years

Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. Some days it feels like way longer than that, and other days it seems way shorter than that. We swore the day we got married that we'd have an actual ceremony with friends and family "one day very soon". Well, that obviously hasn't happened, but instead we have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world!! There have been wonderful times, and days when all either of us wanted was OUT. But no matter what we still have not given up. And trust me, the tough times still keep piling up, but things are truly trying to get better. Hopefully just means a stronger foundation in the long run!!!

Rainy Saturday Morning

For starters, let me send tons of love and thank you's to Ame, Brandi, and Erika!! I love you girls!!! Thanks for being there!!!

I think the other day was my "bottom" that I hit. I have felt much better the last couple days. I think my biggest problem is that I hold so much in. Everything. So it gets to me. As soon as I have a meltdown, get something off my chest, etc... I always feel a ton better. I think that may of been just what I needed. And then I had my fabulous friends remind me that even though I may "feel" alone, I am not. Part of the reason I hold everything in is to not appear like I can't handle stuff, but also because the saying "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" really hits home. I am determined to enjoy this life I have, whatever the circumstances, but I am human. Every once in a while that little demon slips into my mind and has me wishing for an easier time. If I could just keep him at bay, I wouldn't even need to have my mini-meltdowns. :)

Now in other news...I have decided that this fabulously rainy Saturday afternoon has been given to me so I can catch up on my house work. I must embarrassingly admit, I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even felt like cleaning. (And we KNOW how much I love to do that!!!) I have kept up with the easy stuff, but the place needs a good dusting and mopping, that is for sure!! And everything I haven't felt like dealing with was just relocated to my bedroom. So I am going to get in there and make some serious progress today!! (Well, that's the game plan, anyway........)

I keep trying to write....

I keep trying to update my blog and I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I have a ton to say, but then I can't figure out exactly how to say it. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Then there are other days where I know what to say, and I type it out, then I delete it. Decide that it is not worth posting. I have no idea what my problem is lately.

I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.

I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.

This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.

The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....

Thoughts for today...

Today is going to be a GREAT day!

Something GOOD is going to happen today.

God has FAVOR in my future.

I need a little reminder.

Things have been tough lately. Not going to elaborate, but also not going to sit here and lie and say things are peachy. Now, if I ran into you in person, I would do just that. I would smile, say I was fabulous, etc, etc... But here I can lose the outward exterior I feel I need to show the world because here is just for me. Yes, you may read it, but it's my area. :)

Because things have been so rough, I have been struggling to even stay afloat it seems. Daily tears, yelling, fighting, loss of patience with children are just some of the ways my frustration gets out. So I thought I needed a little reminder to refocus my self on what I feel is important. My New Years Resolution.

Errand day

Yesterday was errand running day. We started off first at Les Schwab. The car has been making this awful noise from the front end and we need it fixed. (Not so easy unemployed, however.) Les Schwab had a 2 hour wait!!! With two toddlers...forget it! However, the guy just said without even looking at it "well, it's the rack and pinion from the sounds of it." Les Schwab has told me my last 3 cars all needed a new rack and pinion, so needless to say I didn't put too much faith in the opinion. We ended up finding a different place to have them look at it. They said we need new ball joints and lower control arms. Woohoo!!! $850 we dont' have! However, there is a guy in Lenny's class who is helping with the brakes so the two of them may just tackle the ball joints and what not. Who knows. :) It will get fixed when it gets fixed.

The car shop did happen to be across the street from a Tuesday Morning, however, so while we were waiting we went over there. Such cute stuff!!!!! We did splurge and get the children two awesome books and I even got some scrapbooking stuff. (All for a grand total of $12. I love saving money!!) I even did a paper page last night. (I have to since Lenny doesn't give me enough time on computer to do a digital page!-- Sheesh!)

After they were done with the car we headed off to grocery shop. All four of us usually go. (It's our "compromise", though I would love the time alone.) To make sure to keep our grocery bill under control I plan out a week or so worth of meals to help me create my list. I am excited that I have so many new dinners on the list this next week and a half. Oh, and 3 of them are crockpot recipes, so I don't have to spend hours in the afternoon cooking. I'll definitely have to share how it goes!