Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I keep trying to write....

I keep trying to update my blog and I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I have a ton to say, but then I can't figure out exactly how to say it. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Then there are other days where I know what to say, and I type it out, then I delete it. Decide that it is not worth posting. I have no idea what my problem is lately.

I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.

I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.

This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.

The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....

4 Comments:

ame said...

there is a plan and reason for everything, even though it makes no sense to us, there is a reason.

have you thought about therapy/counselor. going to mine has helped me sooooo much. just having someone to talk to that isn't involved, that has no judgement helps.

ericarussell said...

Jenn, I love you and you do not need to feel this way! Please please please talk to someone. If you cant do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Dont waste any more time feeling this way.

We 4 Peas said...

I am stopping everything that I am doing right now to pray for you. You are such an amazing person, and you take such great care of your family and those around you; but you're forgetting to take care of YOU! That's the most important part of the equation. You are so loved and you don't need to feel alone in this. And I know that you already know, you are never alone. God is always there, even when we don't feel it. Remember, those are the times when there are only one set of footsteps in the sand. You can always call me, too, I can lend some footsteps as well. *hugs* Don't give up, hun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6GZJS2A9G0

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