Saturday, September 17, 2011

Consumed with Guilt

Guilt is overtaking me.  It is a tangible presence right now.  For brief moments I can escape it, but then it slowly creeps back up to overtake me. 

Some people know, some do not, for I have not made a big official announcement, but we are expecting another child.  There is part of me that (after the shock wore off) wants to shout it from the mountaintops.  We were not trying, it definitely was not planned, and we were DONE having children unless we adopted.  My pregnancy with Isaac was so tough, as was the delivery and recovery that I gladly would of given my uterus away to whomever wanted it.  That is how done we were.  But this child is still a blessing.  I blessing that I am very happy about!  For just a moment.  Then the guilt takes away my joy.

I have friends who have struggled with infertility.  Some of them finally have a child of their own, but it was a very long, discouraging, painful road, and the wounds are still not healed.  Others still don't have a child, though they desperately want one and would make amazing parents.  Other friends thought they had a child only to have that child taken away from them.

Logically I know it is ALL part of God's plan.  But why can't it be them who is receiving this blessing?  Why me?  I have two amazing wonderful gifts from God as it is.  Don't get me wrong....I want this new baby.  But the guilt that I am expecting while so many friends are hurting makes it so hard.  I can't breathe from the weight of it.  When I can escape it momentarily, I'll happily pull out the ultrasound pic where I can already see an obvious head and hands though I am just now 11 weeks.  But then I remember.  I remember the guilt, I remember the friends hurting, and I quickly shove the picture back into the envelope and hide the envelope back in the pile of paperwork on the counter.  When I have friends who do ask me about the pregnancy, I answer politely but reserved.  Afraid to let the joy I feel when I allow myself to to slip into my voice. 

I know I have to get past this.  I know that I will only be able to get my peace from the Lord.  I know Satan is there with his lies telling me I am not worthy and I am believing him.  Praying I can drown him out soon and listen to only God's truth.


Bumber's Bumblings said...

Congratulations! I'd been wondering where you'd been!!

I hope the feelings of guilt will ease soon!

Rachel said...

As one who struggled with infertility and watched friend after friend conceive...I plead you to NOT feel guilt. I could go on and on, but rather, I'll just say this. Dear Lord, take away Jenn's guilt. It is not of you. Replace it with your Peace, as only you can. Amen.

Jamie Fitzgerald said...

We also just found out we are pregnant, while we haven't told our families yet. I also have a friend you has tried for 3 years to have a child and is getting ready to see a fertility doctor for IVF. I feel bad because I am now pregnant with my third child, second since the time she has been trying. I haven't told her I'm pregnant, because I feel bad, too bad to see the sadness on her face. I just remember God has a plan for everyone, and her child will come on His time.
Congrats on your new addition, I think we are about 3 weeks apart.

Jim and April said...

From "one of those friends" I want to say congratulations and I want to give you permission girl to LOVE this baby, to be EXCITED for this baby, to not WORRY about those of us who have had loss or what not and I want you to try your best to not feel guilty but remember that God, before the foundation of this earth, knew the plans He had for your little one, so rest in that and BE HAPPY! Your allowed to be happy my friend...even though this was unexpected and you feel for your friends...fall in love with this baby! God gave you this little one for a reason, He has a reason and purpose! love you girl and so happy for you! your so sweet and kind to write a post like this though!

Blessed1 said...

Hi Jenn!
Please listen to Jesus! This "guilt"is not only NOT from HIM, but it is soooo from your enemy. If you can't fight guilt for any other reason,then do it for baby's sake. Your little one will soon be able to distinguish all of your emotions through complex chemical and hormonal surges. I know you want to give your little blessing the best start possible, so trust GOD with you, your friends, and your whole family.
BTW, this is not guilt. This is condemnation, and Jesus died to free you forever from it. Feeling the way you do will not give your friends a baby or solve their pain.
But walking in GOD's JOY changes a lot about every circumstance!