Calgon, take me away...

I can't believe it has been a month since my last post. Well, actually I can. It has been hectic. And if I have time to update a blog, I have been doing the childrens.

Work has been super busy. It seems like there is always something to do and I feel like I can never catch up. The first 3 weeks after Thanksgiving we had 7 apartments to turn. One turnover takes from 2-4 days, depending. So that has taken almost every free moment I have had.

The children are doing well, but Isaac has been a handful. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. He has started these Earth shattering temper tantrums. Biting, hitting, screaming, flailing around, throwing things...I have tried everything I can think of or have read about or have had the pediatrician suggest. He is my laughing little boy one minute, then if he doesn't get what he wants or Jazmine makes him mad...on comes the temper tantrum. There has been numerous times that I am so exhausted by the end of the day, I just cry. I feel like I am failing as a mother. Everyone says "It's a stage"...well I'll tell you where this "stage" can be shoved!!

Then the middle of December, Mother Nature decided to dump a little extra "winter weather" on us. Snow came down like crazy, causing the ODOT to require chains to get around for periods of time off and on. Lenny's job site was shut down because they were outside, so more time with no income. Then in the middle of the "Arctic Blast", while Seattle continued to get snow, we got 2 inches of freezing rain. Oh, and did I mention that that 2 solid inches of ice was on top of the layer of 8 inches of snow we had? There was so much snow and ice everywhere, that trees were falling like crazy. So of course that means these falling trees were bound to hit a few power lines. At one point in time, more than 57,000 were without power. Of course we were part of that large number. And then just for fun in the middle of that, Mother Nature gave us another 6 inches of snow, and one more inch of freezing rain! She has been so generous this year!!!! I'll take the snow anytime, but the ice I could do without!

The first two days without power we stayed here at the apartment. We ate cereal and PB&J and hung out and tried to stay warm. Unfortunately these apartments are not well built, and therefore they do not keep the warm air in. Actually, you can feel a breeze inside on a windy day. So by the start of day 3, when we could see our breath in the air, we decided it was time to jump ship. Thankfully a friend from highschool of Lenny's (actually his sisters' BFF) moved to town a few weeks ago, and they welcomed us with open arms! (Thanks, you guys are the best!!) Late Christmas Eve, the power finally came back on, after 4 1/2 days. So we headed home!! In all honesty, I felt like a failure finding a place to go, because a couple years ago in Seattle we were without power for 7 days. But we had a fireplace so we kept warm even though Jazmine was just a baby. Anyway....

Christmas was nice. The children love their gifts, and then we spent Christmas day with Mindy, Adrian, and their two little girls. (They are the ones who took us in for those couple days.) Watched a movie, splurged on beer and wine, had a nice Prime Rib dinner and watched the children all play together. And did a good amount of laughing and chatting.

This past weekend was busy again, because we are still cleaning up storm damage around the apartment complex. Lots of trees and branches down. Plus we have had bad wind the last two days so more branches and mess keep accumulating. Not to mention the garbage. It was like everyone thought they could litter all over the complex and it would be hidden by the snow. Well, it was. For a while. Now it seems like everywhere I look there is trash to clean.

This week will also be a little hectic. We have 2 more apartments that have been vacated, and 2 more at the beginning of next week. Once again, it will keep my "free" time to a minimum. As for New Years, still no plans. I think New Years Day I will make homemade pizza with the children. A very dear friend of mine introduced me to that tradition a long time ago, and I did it every year except last year. I know Jazmine is going to have fun with it. Isaac too, since it's both of their favorite food!

I really hope things settle back down soon, so I can start keeping up again!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Turkey Day!!!!

We started our turkey yesterday morning since we are smoking it, and have been working on it ever since. But it sure is starting to smell good and it looks fabulous!! I also decided to try to make some Pumpkin cookies last night since I was up all night, and they turned out great! I am pretty sure this is the first successful baking session I have ever had. LOL!

As soon as the bird is done, we will pack it up and all head over to Lenny's cousin Mark and his wife Kinda's house. They live about an hour and a half from here. Doris, Kristi, Monea and Kayla made the drive down yesterday and are already there. And Mindy, Adrienne, and their two girls are coming over, too. They just moved here to Salem, and Mindy is actually Kristi's best friend. It should be a good day with, of course, lots of fabulous food! Oh, and children. Mindy's girls are 2 1/2 and 9 months, and then Kinda and Mark have a 3 month old. Should be eventful. ;)

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving full of friends and family. And lets all try to remember what we are thankful for.

It's been forever.....

I have not really posted in forever, it seems. For a few different reasons. First of all, things have been pretty chaotic around here. Work is really busy for us here at the complex. There are literally hours of raking/blowing leaves every day right now. THANKFULLY we are almost done with the leaves falling.

I have also been busy with apartment turnovers. I have two I am currently working on, two I finished last week, and three more coming up next week. Ugh!!! On top of that I designed a blogger page for the complex that we are using in our Craigslist and Kijiji ads. Check it out if you get bored.. www.woodsideestates.blogspot.com . I had to read a ton of different html pages to learn how to write the code the way I wanted it since Blogger doesn't offer layouts with different navigation pages. Also last week my Mother and Grandmother came to visit for a few days. That was fun, but again, kinda crazy with that many people in a small apartment.

Last but not least Lenny is not working currently. So besides the chaos and stress that unemployment adds, he is always hogging the computer.

Right this moment the children are asleep, Lenny is at school, and I am sitting here on the computer enjoying "ME" time listening to my music. The music of choice right now is the Contemporary Christian channel on Pandora. Things have been really rough as of late, and I needed a little boost.

Besides the craziness of life, part of the reason I haven't posted is that I haven't felt like I have anything worth saying. Things are a huge struggle right now and it takes absolutely everything in me to wake up every morning and put a smile on my face, tell everyone that I am fine and everything is good, and keep the family afloat. Unemployment compensation is a joke, and the only reason we literally have a roof over our head is that it's a fringe benefit of work here at the complex. THANK GOD FOR THAT! Otherwise unemployment wouldn't' even cover rent. Bills need paid, but the children need food on the table. It's hard. And it breaks my heart that all this is going on with Christmas just weeks away. We were not intending on spending tons of money, but we were at least hoping to get the children a few goodies. But we will see. I just keep praying and doing everything I can to stay positive. And I remind myself that there are way too many people out there in the world that are going through worse times. That keeps it in perspective.

Besides that, the children are doing so fabulous these days. I finally got Isaac pretty much sleeping through the night, though most nights he ends up in bed with Jazmine. Jazmine is such smart girl. She now is up to 6 words that she can "read" on sight. She talks just like a little girl. There is no baby there anymore. And in just a couple months she will be 3!! I can't believe it. Isaac is a talking fool these days. He now says so many words I can't even keep track of them. And the last of his teeth (except for his 2 yr molars) are just about in. They are both so smart, so happy, and so loving that I feel like my heart could explode when I think of how lucky I am to have them.

The Bucket List

I just saw the movie The Bucket List not too long ago. And it got me thinking. When I was younger, my own "Bucket List" would of had things on it like visit Africa and take a safari, go to Greenland, do the Iditarod, swim with Orcas and dolphins, etc... I may of put have children and a family on there. But now that I have children, my list today would be so very different.

I want to watch my children grow. Make memories every day with them. Find the biggest park we can with the longest slide. Go to Disneyland. See the Grand Canyon. Go to Yellowstone. And then I want to be there at their highschool and college graduations, be a part of their weddings, hold my grandchildren, etc... Those are two completely different "Bucket Lists".

It doesn't mean that I still don't want to do that other stuff, because I do. But it isn't my priority. And if I live to the ripe old age of 97 or something, and have the pleasure of enjoying all of those things with my children, then maybe I'll change my "Bucket List" back to the types of things it was before. Imagine doing the Iditarod at 97....LOL! ;)

Tuesday.....

....is Election Day. Have you voted yet or are you going to???

Our ballots are already completed and sent back in.

I love your blog

I got tagged (awarded) with the "I love your blog" pic from my fabulous friend Ame. I thought it would be fun to continue and join in myself!!!

The rules are . . .

1 - Add the logo to your blog.
2 - Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3 - Nominate at least 7 other bloggers.
4 - Add links to their blogs.
5 - Leave a comment for your nominees on their blogs!

I think there are at least 7 blogs I love to check out!! :) Okay, these will not be in any particular order, but here I go...

Ame~ One of the first friends I made in 7th grade when I moved to Walla Walla. She was always the best person in the world to act goofy with! I miss her dearly, but LOVE to read her blog. I get upset when she isn't blogging often enough!

Robin~ A mommy friend. :) I love seeing all the fabulous videos and pics of the family that she posts.

Brandi~ I love checking out Brandi's blog. Her family is precious, and she is an amazing photographer. There is always something fun to check out!

Robin~ A very talented mommy and who just joined the "mommy of two" club. Her family just relocated to FL from CA and I love keeping up with her fabulous boys!

Tracie~ Yet another mommy who's blog I love to follow to watch her adorable family!!

Stephanie~ Mommy to Quentin and Parker. She lives in Idaho but maybe she'll get this way sometime! Until then, I have her blog.

Helen~ Crazy Miss Helen! She is so goofy and her blog is always full of fun stuff that makes me laugh!

Liana~ I like keeping up on the happenings of Liana and Evan, though she doesn't blog nearly often enough!

Cara~ She hasn't been blogging very long but I love reading about Sawyer, the baby on the way and all of her opinions!

I am....

I have been digiscrapping for about a year now, and I always use the children for pages. Twice I have done pregnancy pages (without ever seeing my face), but this is the first page I have ever done that was about just me. Thought I'd share. ***if you click on the image, it gets big enough to allow you to see/read the journaling***

Rainy Saturday Morning

Wow! Another crazy busy week. Some days I can barely catch my breath. Sunday we went to the pumpkin patch (pics on children's blog) and had company for the night. Doris, Kristi, Kayla, Monea, and Nate all came early Sunday to spend the day and night with us all.

The children have caught the stupid cold going around, but Isaac was REALLY struggling to breath so Monday I took him to the doctor. They diagnosed him with asthma....and pretty bad at that. So he is now on two different inhalers. (Again, update on children's blog.) Part of my daily routine is now to hold down a screaming kicking child to give him his doses. He hates it and I literally have to practically sit on him. He is too strong, and if he moves and the mouth piece they gave me for him moves, he needs another dose. Ugh!

Every single day this week has been busy for work here at the complex. And being as the children are sick, it makes it even harder to do the work. Wednesday I was cleaning an apartment, and for the first 20 mins the children were fine, but after that because they just didn't feel good and were cranky, I had to listen to them scream and cry for another hour. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and took them home. I love that I can work with them with me, but some days it is so much harder. On top of that I have caught the kids cold, so I dont' have my usual energy.

Today Lenny has school, and my plan was to get caught up on housework, since I have been slacking on that this week. I dont' have my energy, and I have been so busy that I can't do everything. So something needs to slide...and better housework than my job and everything else I am trying to keep balanced. Anyway...probably won't catch up on the house today because I still have to work. Hopefully the children cooperate and I can get finished up quick.

Other than that, tomorrow hopefully will be to relax and watch some football, then all the craziness starts again on Monday. Hopefully I have more energy by then!!!

Aggghhhhhh!!!!

OMG! I am in total overload this Fabulous Friday Morning! Okay, well actually, YESTERDAY was overload, today I have coped and have a "To Do" list so I feel back in control again.

Tuesday was payday from the apartment complex. (My first paycheck in 3 years!!!!) But we spent 5 hours that evening paying bills, getting Lenny new work boots, Isaac his new shoes, and $10 worth of Halloween decorations at the dollar store. And all day long on Tuesday I had work at the complex to do. Cleaning, gardening, etc...

Wednesday Lenny only worked half a day...as soon as I picked him up from work we went and got him a haircut then came home. We had a TON of work at the complex to do. I had lots of little stuff to take care of and DH had to start repairs on apartment 10, which is the one that had the fire in the kitchen. (I just have to say that lots of little stuff is still hard because the children "help" me. )

We spent all day yesterday at apartment 56 (not that you care the number...it's just easier for me to explain that way... ) Just the bathroom took me almost two hours. The couple taking that apartment moves in tomorrow. (And I still need to head over in a little bit and touch up the paint and mop the kitchen floor...then it's done! )

As soon as the children were no longer going to cooperate "helping mommy clean" 56, we packed up to go grocery shopping and pay more bills. By the time we got home, we unloaded groceries and I finished dinner. And got the groceries put away.

My children, my husband, and my dog are a full time job. So since I have been so busy this week I have not really had a chance to do that much cleaning up after them. By the time last night came along I couldn't take anymore. You could not see my table top at all, my kitchen counters were nowhere to be seen, the dishwasher was full of clean dishes and the sinks were both full of dirty dishes. There were dog toys and children toys everywhere. My dirty laundry is overflowing, and I still have a load of clean clothes that need folded and put away. Oh, in the middle of the week sometime the children took all of their clothes out of their dresser so I just scooped them up and they are on top of the dresser.

I was so bothered by the messiness of the house (I honestly can NOT handle my house messy) plus the fact that I still have to paint and mop 56 that I had two different panic attacks last night. One was tiny and I kept going through it. One I actually had to sit down and force myself to take deep breaths so I could get my heart to stop racing and stop being dizzy. I think the biggest part of it is that my house was so overwhelmingly dirty in my mind that I could barely decide where to start. And after an hour I felt like it looked like I hadn't even made progress.

Also I was stressing because I wanted to have 56 ready for the couple to look at today when they sign paperwork, so I was trying to get the house clean and children in bed so I could sneak over to 56 to finish it in the middle of the night by myself. However Diana told me they will see it on Saturday when they move in, and I don't need to stress because she can't believe I have gotten that apartment cleaned and turned as fast as I did. (They didn't even move out until Monday).

Anyway.....this was long and pointless and now I feel so silly that I was so overwhelmed last night. Okay then..... Well, today by 9AM I will pack up the kids and head back over to 56 to finish. They I have some gardening in the complex to do. Then I will come home, start my laundry, finish cleaning (I couldn't TRULY clean last night cuz all my cleaning stuff is in 56), research which pumpkin patch/corn maze to take the children to this weekend and then HOPEFULLY have time to Photoshop since it relaxes me. Oh, and MIL, SIL, and two neices are coming to visit for the night on Sunday.

Quiet Morning

I am finally sitting here enjoying a quiet morning with my computer and a cup of coffee. I haven't had that in quite a while. Isaac has been getting up by about 6 to 6:30 lately. Actually, he was up at 5 today, but by 5:45 I finally got him back to sleep for a bit.

The last few days with my little man have been hard. He is teething so terribly bad. I feel so sorry for him, as I can not really find anything to give him any relief. For the last 3 days he has done nothing but cry and scream it seems. Throw a 3 month old puppy and a 2 1/2 yr old into the mix and there is nothing but chaos! I feel bad because my patience have been non-existent. Hopefully this quiet time will help me have more patience. :)

I have been keeping pretty busy, still. I am on a huge cleaning spree. So far I have thrown away 4 bags of garbage and put 5 more boxes into our storage unit. It's frustrating because I still have like 5 storage bins of stuff that I can unpack IF I had the furniture to do it. I need bookshelves and a desk to be able to unpack them. Also, I have 4 boxes of clothes in the kids' closet of Jazmine's old stuff but I am waiting to see if any of my pregnant friends are having girls before I give them away. Today I am getting out the paint and touching up the walls and taking down the lights to clean all those fixtures and globes.

Work is going good. Kind of mellow right now, but in the next week or so we will have 3 more apartments opening up that will need to be turned over. Actually, tomorrow I am going with Diana to court to see a court eviction process. Megan (Diana's daughter) will be watching the kids. Diana said it's a super boring almost annoying process, but she want's me to know what to expect if I ever have to go in her place. Guess that means maybe I should put some makeup on! ;)

Routine again! :)

Finally I get my "routine" back! Lenny is back working days. He is working 7-3 again, so I am hoping things get a little easier now that he isn't here during the days. It was impossible to get anything done with him working nights.

Today I am going to continue my "cleaning spree". Yesterday I tackled the kids room and the file cabinet. Threw out a box of paper recycling and two garbage bags full of toys that the kids will never miss. :) I also took apart the stove and dishwasher to "detail" clean those. Next on the agenda is the hall closet, bathroom cupboards, and on top of the fridge (I did the inside of the fridge the other day). Maybe even my bedroom closet. Oh, and I need to go through the kids clothes, too. The last three days I have not been able to put Isaac in the first outfit I grab for him. Too small. And Jazmine is getting slim pickings on the clothes, too. Time to get rid of stuff!

I also have a "To-Do" list for the apartment complex I want to get tackled. However, I do need to wait for the weather to clear up because it's all outside projects and I don't want the kids out in the rain all day.

Anyway...I think I'll go get some stuff done!!

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!

I have not written anything in FOREVER it seems like! But I have been so busy. I can barely keep track of what day it is. Part of my sanity is my hour or two on the computer every day....nope! Now down to about 15 minutes.

I have been very busy working. In the last two weeks I have had 5 apartments to turn over. I will post pics of a couple of them later, but let's just say... OMG! I have no idea how people can live like that! Cleaning, painting, and repairing. I also have to do them with the kids with me...so it is hard going. I can get about an hour out of them (1 1/2 if I am lucky) then we have to go out and run, or go to the park, or just do SOMETHING. You can only keep two toddlers busy in an empty apartment with just a backpack of toys for so long. :) Oh...and the apartments cleaning and paiting are "extra". They aren't part of the regular work here at the apartments. But it is so much fun to be busy, feel useful, and multi-task everything that I am. Soon I will start being in the office a couple days a week.

Also in the middle of all this going on Lenny has been working nights. It has made things a little more hectic because I have him here during the day...when I am used to just the kids. So I spend all day crazy busy, then after he leaves at night, I spend the next two hours getting the house back in order. Some nights (okay, most) I log on to yahoo to chat with Robin and Norma, so I don't clean until I am done with that, so I haven't been crawling into bed until about 1 AM or so. And I can NOT go to bed without the house clean. I just can't. I have tried.

Lastly thrown into the mix of all of this is Riley. He is an adorable, puppy we just got on Sunday. We had to intentions of getting a dog until we are in a house, but he is so cute and needed a good home. He was kind of obnoxious but that was just because he needed attention and wasn't able to get it. So thankfully he is already almost a completely different dog with all the attention and training he is getting now.

I am sure there is more craziness to write about, but my "free" time is up!!! Back to work!! Kids to feed, dog to walk, laundry to do, an apartment to clean (not mine) and some random stuff around the complex on my "To-Do List" for the day! I am vowing to make more time for me, though. I need it! I am running short on patience these days, so hopefully that will mean more time to post again. :) Oh....and here is Riley.

Martin Luther King Jr

Today is the 45th Anniversary of his "I Have a Dream" speech. I just thought I would share. My children may not be if it weren't for the progress MLK helped pave the way for, and this nation may just very well be an entirely different nation if it weren't for him. Ordinary people doing Extraordinary things.

Life is precious....

I started to type a post about how the last few days have been and just some silly ramblings. However, I just learned that a friend of a friend of mine just lost her partner, best friend, and father of her child. At the age of 28. And it all seems so irrelevant now.

My heart is breaking. I can feel an emptiness in the depth of my soul and I don't even know these people. It is a reminder that life is so very precious, and often times too short. There are so many things I am thinking that I wish I could share here but can't. But I will say this.... Cherish those in your life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't risk waking up tomorrow and having to live with the "if only I'd told them". Apologize, forgive, admit when you are wrong, laugh, love...create memories. And do not settle. Do not settle for anything in life. Whether it's love, career, family...go after your dreams. Don't plan on "tomorrow" always being there. Because it may not be.

Worthless

Yesterday was not the best day. Jazmine was full on in "Terrible 2" mode throwing temper tantrums ALL afternoon. Isaac is cutting 3 more molars so he was crying ALL afternoon.

Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.

It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.

Olympic Lip Syncing

Yesterday the fact that the little girl in the Opening Ceremonies was not really singing was broadcast over and over on the news. I am deeply bothered by that. Not really so much for the girl who was part of the ceremony. But for the girl who was deemed "not suitable for TV". Are you kidding me??

I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.

I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.

Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.

Dreams

What is it about dreams?

I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.

But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........

Cocoa

Yesterday was a tough day. Not that many people know, but we have a couple ferrets. I get tired of "explaining" about them to ignorant people who know nothing about what wonderful creatures they are, since they are so sure they are dirty and stink and bite, etc. , so I just normally don't mention anything. They are ours. We love them. And they are fabulous, loving (and surprisingly clean) pets. We have had them for about 4 years.

Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.

I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.

After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.

I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.

I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.

Another year begins...

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Wowza!! That is hard to say. It's crazy because if I look at where I thought I would be by 32, compared to where I actually am, I should be totally depressed. I was going to have a great career, own a home that is well decorated, travel, still be thin (LOL) and have money in the bank.

I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....

But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.

Creature of habit

Isn't it funny how our bodies get "trained"?

Now, don't yell at me, but Lenny can NOT wake up to an alarm clock. Just does not happen. He doesn't hear it. So my routine is that I wake up, get some coffee, spend a couple minutes relaxing, then wake him up. When he was here in Salem, he didn't need to get up until 6:30. So I woke up at 6:15. After a couple weeks, I always woke up before the alarm clock. He is working in Lebanon now, which is a 38 mile commute, so he is up at 5:55 to be out the door by 6:10. I am finally starting to get used to getting up at 5:45, but the first couple days were so hard! But by 6:15 (what had been my wake up time) I am ready to conquer the world. And then today I noticed that by 6 I was ready to go. Slowly training my body to be up. I like that it's so easy for me to be such a morning person, but for the life of me I can never sleep in. If I sleep until 7 I feel like I wasted my entire morning!

It's kind of crazy, how I like to be spontaneous, yet at the same time I take such comfort in my routines. I guess I just easily can go with the flow. If something comes up at the last second, I love it and am perfectly adaptable. Otherwise, I stick to my schedule.

From the time Lenny leaves at 6:10 until 7:30 is "my" time. I watch the news, drink my coffee, and mess around on the computer. After 7:30 is an unknown. It all depends on when the children wake up. From 11-12, I get a little more time to myself, with Jazmine watching her show and resting, Isaac napping, and me messing around on Photoshop or something (while watching my show). Soon as Isaac wakes up it's lunch time then we are typically out the door. A walk to the park, the store, or just playing outside. By 3 we are back inside and I start working on dinner while cleaning up the house. The kids are usually playing in their room, or destroying what I have just cleaned. :) Lenny is home at 4:15, he takes the children back outside to play for a few minutes while I finish dinner, then it's time to eat. After dinner, it's more play time with the children. Baths around 7:00, bedtime about 8:30. Once the children are asleep, kitchen gets cleaned, living room and bathroom get cleaned back up, and by 10 it's "me" time again. I usually like to spend a half hour to hour watching some TV or reading before going to bed by 11.

It is tough going to bed at 11, getting up with Isaac every hour or two, and then getting up in the morning by 5:45, but my "me" time is so important, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to get it!

An inspirational man

Randy Pausch passed away last Friday. He had pancreatic cancer. I watched the original Diane Sawyer interview with him when it aired, and last night I watched it again with the update at the end of his passing. There was such a peace about him and his wife. He was strong and wanted to be sure to finish out his life to the fullest. I plan on buying the book "The Last Lecture" soon. There was something he said in the interview that really got to me. He said how the only part of him knowing he was going to die that still caused him to cry was when he talked about his children and wife. And it wasn't that he wasn't going to be around to see them grow up, it was that they were being deprived of him. He said that soon someone was going to push his family off a cliff, and he wouldnt' be there to catch them. All he could do for them was to try to build safety nets to save them. He could be angry and bitter, or he could get busy building the nets. So that is what he was doing. It is yet another reminder to me to cherish the small moments because they are what matter. Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow.

Here are a couple quotes from his famous "lecture"...

-Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day because there's no other way to play it.

-Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

-No one is pure evil. Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you.

-Brick walls are there for a reason. They are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop people who don't want it badly enough.

-It is not about achieving your dreams but living your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.

-We can't change the cards we're dealt, just how we play the hand. If I'm not as depressed as you think I should be, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Birthday, really????

Today we are going to the beach. Lenny got laid off yesterday, which we knew was coming, so all 7 of us are heading to Lincoln City for some sun, surf, and seafood! However, Lenny said we could do it to celebrate my birthday. Really??? My birthday?? Already?

Yep. Next weekend I will celebrate my 32nd birthday. I knew it was coming. I have just been avoiding it. By him mentioning celebrating it (since we have obligations next weekend) it was thrown back in my face. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach in a way to think that I am getting so old. I do admit that I am grateful I don't look my age. But being 32 is a hard one to wrap my mind around.

I guess I won't. I'll continue to avoid it. Pretend we are celebrating something else at the beach today. :) I can do that. At least for another week! :)

Feeling Great!!

I feel fabulous today! I mean I am always in a good mood, etc...but today is better.

Yesterday I cut my hair off. It was almost to my butt and now it's about my shoulders. I love it! I did my hair this morning and actually felt semi-attractive. That is huge. I don't remember the last time I felt that way. To top it off...I got on the scale...6 pounds down. WooHoo!!! However, I will keep quiet about how many more I want to lose.

Also, a "job" opportunity has fallen in my (and Lenny's) lap. Our apartment manager needs help with an assistant manager position and a maintenance position. So between the two of us we are going to tag-team it. I am excited. It is no huge amount of money, that is for sure, but it is a little extra every month, plus our rent is taken care of. And the best part....I have no need to put the children in daycare! Some of the stuff I can do with them with me, and when I need to be in the office for the day, it will be a weekend and Lenny can take care of them. Plus the office is literally next door.

I am so excited. For many reasons, I am feeling great!!!!!

What a week...

This past week has been kind of crazy. Friday Lenny called from work at 9:30am and says to get the kids packed for the weekend at the beach and he will home to pick us up in 20 minutes. Have you ever tried to feed children and get packed for a weekend plus get the children ready to leave the house in 20 minutes?? Well if you have and you can do it...I admire you!! I worked my tail off and it still took 45 minutes. :)

Anyway, we were originally just going to head to Lincoln City, but as we were driving down the road at the last minute Lenny decides to head to the Sea Lion Caves. We stopped in Florence at the beach, went to have some lunch, headed to the Caves, and then came back to Florence and found a hotel with a pool for the evening. The next morning we headed to Lincoln City where we met Lenny's mom and two neices. We stayed there one more night and we all headed back here on Sunday.

Monday was Lenny and I's anniversary. Three years. And I spent the evening at home, with Doris, Monea, Kayla, and a projectile vomiting set of toddlers. Where was my husband? Oh that would be hanging out with his friends. He said since he took us away for the weekend that should count and I shouldn't be ungrateful. Next time he won't take me anywhere. Is it just me... or does the day matter??? Was I being stupid for still thinking the actual anniversary would of been nice to spend together? Anyway.

The children were sick all night Monday and Tuesday. NOT FUN!!! Then on Wednesday, Lenny got sick. They sent him home from work that morning. He was still sick yesterday and this morning. I got sick yesterday, and have been sick since. However, to time to rest or sleep or recoup when I have everyone else to take care of. :)

So, this past week has just been a little hectic. Thankfully Lenny's mom and nieces have been here. They have been a huge help with the children. And it's been nice to have company. If they wouldn't of been here with me on Monday I probably would of strangled my husband. :)

I am hoping this next week settles down a little bit.

Tagged!!!

If you are reading this, and you have a blog, you've been tagged. Because inquiring minds want to know, you MUST repost with your OWN answers!



If you HAD to spend $1,000 on YOURSELF, how would you spend it? clothes, hair, nails. tanning, gas money to visit my BFF
Favorite thing about your house? it's a nice location
Least favorite thing about your house? it's an apartment not a house
What job would you pay NOT to have? anything at all that has to do with snakes
If you could be a fly on the wall, where? I can't tell you that...then it wont' be secret
Favorite food: carne asada
Quirks: soo many of them...dishwasher loading, the way the TP unrolls, things being in a line, making lists for everything....i could go on forever
How would the person who loves you most describe you in ten words or less?
Mommy
Any regrets in life? too many
Favorite Charity/Cause? Abused children or Juvenile Diabetes
Favorite Blog recently? Dont' Read This
Something you can’t get enough of? My children
Worst job you have ever had? Brown Bag Cafe working for a sexist pig who told me to keep my mouth shut and just be the pretty face he hired me to be
Guilty Pleasures? reading and computer time
Got any confessions? Jazzie Mae still uses a bottle to fall asleep at night
When are you most relaxed? When I am rested
One thing you are bad at? only one????
One thing you’re good at? Multitasking
If you could change something about your circumstances, what? Another thing I regretfully can't post here
Who would you like to meet someday? My children's spouses
Who is your real life hero? any single parents who raise fabulous children
What can you not live without? my children
Do you agree or disagree with the recent article that reported that blogs are authored by narcissists? I completely disagree

Brain Rot

I am actively combating my brain rot! My wonderful sister in law keeps sending good books my way. So between Sodoku puzzles, crossword puzzles, learning about random things, and good books...I feel like my brain is being put to better use.

In the last couple weeks I have read "Into the Wild"...a true story about a young man venturing off into the Alaskan wilderness, and "The Lovely Bones". I must say that though the first book was good, the latter has to be one of my favorite reads in quite awhile. It is about a young girl of 14 who is murdered. She is telling her story from up in Heaven, where she is watching down on her family and friends. It is a gruesome topic as far as child murder, but the book was so well written that I could not put it down.

Currently I just started a new book, a memoir by the author of The Lovely Bones, about her rape and healing process afterward. I will let you know how it is.

Nothing exciting...

I know I haven't written in a couple days...but there hasn't been too much exciting going on. Whether finally turned nice yesterday, so until then we have been kind of stuck here in the apartment.

The Fourth of July weekend there is a family reunion in Paradise California. We are supposed to be making a road trip down there to go to it. We didn't go to last years reunion, because Isaac was still practically a newborn, plus financially it was going to be too much of a stretch. There is a pretty big wildfire right outside of Paradise, though, so we are watching that to see if it affects plans or not.

This weekend is Father's Day Weekend. Tomorrow we will go to church and grill some ShishKabobs. Not too exciting, but plenty exciting for us. Lenny is working 6 days a week right now. His work almost NEVER offers overtime, so we are trying to take advantage of the fact that they are offering it currently. It will help pay for the road trip, especially with gas prices!

That's about it for now. Excitement galore in Salem Oregon!!! :)

Is it selfish????

Is it selfish to want to hear an "I appreciate you" or "I appreciate everything you have done" or "Thank you" at least once??

I do alot of things for this family. Do I work? Nope. Not outside of the home. But I do ALOT. I hardly ever have that much "spare" time. In the AM before the kids wake up, a minute or two here and there throughout the day, and then after the kids go to bed. And things don't get easier when hubby gets home. I actually have MORE work to do then. And it's okay. I do what I do because I like to. I was always a perfectionist workaholic before the children, so now I put the extra energy into my home life. And I like it. I don't do it for the recognition. I do it because I love my children and husband. But for some reason, after 5 years of doing whatever it takes, a "Thank You" or "I appreciate you" would sure make me feel like everything I do isn't for nothing.

I gave up a career I had had for 8 years for my relationship. While job hunting after I quit that job, I turned down an offer to be a General Manager for a restaurant in HAWAII, I passed on another General Manager position because the Training would of sent me to Italy for 8 weeks. Another GM position I turned down because the training was for 6 months split between Florida and Arizona. And that was just to keep things going in the relationship in the earlier days. Since the children, I have given up the little stuff like time to myself, splurges like a haircut or a tanning session, Starbucks coffee, even a chance to sit down to eat a meal uninterrupted. I have asked my husband to give up nothing. He still continues to get what he wants when he wants it. And I let him. I help make sure he gets it. I am not even asking anything to change. I would just LOVE to hear a "Thank You".

Selfish of me, I know. And it even sounds ungrateful on my part. But I guess I am only human...

Tidbits of advice....

Insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In any given situation, you basically have three choices... Change it, accept it, or leave it.

Today is the day!!!

My "baby" is ONE!! I can't believe how fast the time has flown. It seems like yesterday that I was amazed over his first smile, and celebrating rolling over. I remember I had these SAME feelings on Jazmine's birthday, too. It's funny because they say that these milestones are the hardest with your first child and your last. Well, all I have is my first and last. Unless something MONUMENTAL changes in my life....Isaac is my last little baby! Besides, I have two of the most wonderful, loving, well natured children in the world. Why push my luck? ;)

We have visitors coming in tonight. Lenny's mom, his sister Kristi, and his two nieces. I am excited for the company, but of course I have been cleaning all day!! Not that there is really anything that NEEDS cleaned. I am just me! And since today is Isaac's birthday, and we will have so many visitors, I am decided to do an impromptu party. I already had been planning on a party next month, but what harm can a second party do??

On a side note, I have been feeling like my brain is rotting away lately. Back when I was working, my brain was always challenged. I love staying home with the kids, but some days I do feel under stimulated. To remedy feeling this way I have been doing things like watching CNN and all the political coverage, doing Sodoku puzzles from the time the kids go to bed until I go to bed, making a home budgeting program in Excel, even though I can download a million free ones any time I want. I was even trying to help our neighbor find the discrepancies in her books for the apt complex. Whatever I can do. Its helping me feel a little better. I don't feel as much like my brain has rotted!

I hate my body

I am so over it!! I hate it. I cry almost every day!! And this past weekend was REALLY bad!! It was 95-100 degrees out for the last 4 days. And all I had that fit me was jeans and a couple t-shirts. Now, I doubt I would of worn shorts in public being this fat, but at least around the house I could of. But nope. I have nothing that fits for summer clothes. Another reminder that I am a big huge fat slob!!!!

I have been living on caffeine, all natural diet pills and salad and veggies. I exercise (only in the apartment) everyday. I hardly every sit down hoping that whatever I do will burn an extra calorie or two. (Even now I am standing typing this stepping side to side to keep moving.) I am at the point where I honestly don't know what else to do. I REFUSE to accept looking like this. I hate myself right now. I hate looking in the mirror. Being fat and ugly is ruining my mood lately. And I am normally in a good mood. But it's getting to me. I don't know how much longer I can keep a smile on my face or just make jokes or PRETEND I am okay with how I look. I am not okay with it.

And I am obsessed with the scale. I step on it probably 5 times a day. And it NEVER changes. Not up, not down....just stays the same. Its so hard to keep the motivation to keep dieting and exercising when there is not a single pound lost in return. But I keep doing it. To keep failing. But I keep doing it anyway.

I am not asking to be a size zero again. I am not. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not be embarrassed to go out in public, and not hate myself.

Go Whitney!!!!

So yes, I admit it, I watch America's Next Top Model. It's one of those shows where I like to watch it when I can, but I don't go out of my way to watch it like I do for Grey's Anatomy. Last night, though, I did make an extra effort because it was the season finale. And I have to say "Way to Go" to the winner Whitney. She is the first "Full Figured" model to make it into the final, yet alone to actually win. I was very excited to see her win!!!

Prior to getting pregnant with Jazmine was really the first time I was finally comfortable with my body. But the sad part is I barely broke the scales at 100 lbs. Post pregnancy body was another hurdle to overcome, but just about the time I got pregnant with Isaac I was starting to get comfortable with how I looked again. Now, the post Isaac pregnancy body I am so disgusted with I can barely look in the mirror long enough to straighten my hair or put makeup on for church.

So it was nice to see someone win something that was based on beauty in an industry where a size 6 is asking for someone to tell you that you are too fat. It was a reminder that though I may not be happy with how I look, I really am "average". And hopefully someday soon I can be happy with that.

5 minutes is all I'm allowed

Yesterday I gave myself 5 minutes to cry, freak out, and have a panic attack. Then that was it. Time to get to figuring things out. With the state of the economy (have I said Thank You, President Bush??) everyone is tightening down on money. Well, Lenny is a construction electrician, and there is no new construction going on around here right now. No money for it. Buildings that are in the middle of being built are just sitting there and I haven't seen workers there in over 2 months. Three people from his company on his current job site have already been laid off this week. If we make it through tomorrow without a slip, we know we have at least one more week. I have put it into God's hands. However, I have also taken it into my own hands because that is what I do.

I emailed an old contact from back in the day, filled him in on what is going on, and all I have to do is say the word and I could start work tomorrow. I told him that I will only need work if Lenny gets laid off, and he said no problem. Whatever I need. Whenever I need it. It's nice to know that I was such a valued worker that even 5 years after leaving the company I can still get the all star treatment. Now lets just hope I don't have to go back, and when I start working it will be on my terms and because I want to!!

I'm good! How are you?

I wonder how many people do that. Say they are always okay. That's me. I do that. All the time. "How are you?" "I'm great, how about you??" It's only once in awhile someone will hear me say that I am not okay. It makes me wonder how many people really have that great of lives versus how many people will make it a good day despite what is going on versus those people that are just hiding behind the words.

I do it for a few different reasons. For starters, I am determined to be okay despite what is going on. I CHOOSE to be in a good mood and to be happy. Another reason is that numerous people are going through more than I am. So who am I to complain? I could be worse. Another is that I just don't want people to know. It's my business, not theirs. And lastly, because if I actually say things out loud to someone else, I may just be crushed under the weight of the burden and sorrow. Just thinking about it right now I physically feel the weight on my heart. So I don't think about it. I'm great.

I truly am happy everyday. And I am good when you ask. But for the wrong reasons. I am working on being happy for the right reasons. I am working on being okay because I trust in God's plan for me and trust that He will not give me more than I can handle. Instead of happy just because I choose to be. And there is a different feeling in my heart between those two types of happiness. One is just a happiness. The other is a happiness with a sense of peace.

Yikes!!

I did it. I updated and sent out my resume. I have so many mixed emotions about it. The only reason I even bothered to send it out is because it's a restaurant that is only open Monday to Friday for lunch and dinner. Those are practically impossible hours to find in the restaurant industry, but perfect to have a decent family life. And it isn't an immediate opening. They are looking to hire one manager in three months and another in six months. Since you never know what the future holds I figure no harm in throwing my name and experience out there. We will see how it goes.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was a good day. For the first time since we have moved here, I went to church by myself with the children. Lenny always comes too, but yesterday was the first day he missed. It's probably good he missed it, actually. He would of been bored.

Our usual pastor is awesome. And he is so funny. I love being able to go to church and laugh until I have tears in my eyes and then leave feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the week. I also learn. And I enjoy that. Currently we are in the middle of going over the Ten Commandments. However he is putting a different spin on it. In my past church experiences, the Commandments have been portrayed as being put in place by an angry God who was mad that we had fallen so far from Him. However, our pastor is showing how the Commandments have actually come from God's love for us. I am really enjoying this series. Anyway, this week we covered "Honor thy father and thy mother". And the sermon was given by the ladies pastor.

Her message was very emotional, and I know that Lenny would not of really enjoyed it as much as I, so I am kind of glad he stayed home. I cried a few different times during her message. She talked about the "weightiness" of the parent/child relationship. She talked about how that relationship can be one of our biggest sources of happiness, yet it is also the relationship that can hurt us the most. She said she was actually praying for guidance because she had no idea how she was supposed to tell the girl whose father molested her and the little boy who watched his mother drive off never to return to him to honor their parents. But the answer was that if you give your pain and burdens to God, He will carry them for you. And if you give God the pain from those relationships, you will then be able to honor your parents because that is what God wants you to do. I thought it was interesting. But another twist she put on the sermon is what really got to me.

She talked about the weight of the responsibility of being a parent. And even now just thinking about it, I can physically feel that weight. I have two human beings whom I am responsible for. Not just to feed, cloth, and make sure they get an education. I am responsible for the PEOPLE they turn out to be. I will shape their CHARACTER. By the things I say and do, by the things that I expect of them, and by the people and experiences I expose them to. And depending on what type of a role model I am, they will either go along with what I am trying to do, or rebel against it. That is HUGE! And scary. But she talked about how God knows that the true weight of being a parent will crush us if we don't ask him to carry the load for us. He never intended for us to do it alone. That really hit home with me.

I have many, many, good days with the children. In fact, more often than not, I think I am a decent parent. But there are days that I am so stressed and tired and out of patience. And on those days I try not to , but I end up taking it out on the children. I snap at them for making a mess or getting into something they shouldn't, instead of laughing and realizing it's not that big of a deal. I get frustrated that Isaac won't stop crying from teething so bad, instead of trying to realize how much pain he is in. I get irritated with Jazmine for doing what she wants when she wants instead of just realizing she is just trying to exercise independence and figure out who "she" is. And after listening to Valerie's message yesterday, I realize that I am not giving it to God. I am trying to do it alone. And I can't. This is just the beginning of my journey with the children. I need to learn to give up control to God now, because otherwise I will never survive the road ahead. My children are truly the best people ever. They have amazing spirits. They are happy and loving and trusting, and they adore me. I need to put God in control so my stress doesn't crush that spirit in them or ruin their faith in me. That is my biggest fear. I want them to continue to grow up being as happy and well adjusted as they are right now.

Then, of course, the sermon just got me thinking about my life in general. I can't do everything alone. I am not superwoman, though I do try my hardest. I do not like having to depend on others. They always let me down. If I only depend on myself, then if I let myself down, oh'well. At least that won't hurt. But I can't be that way. I need to let go of it. Pray and trust in God. And I have been better with that. There are parts of my life that I have almost completely let go of. I trust that God is in control. But there are a couple things that I have not given to him. Partially because it has to do with my heart. However, I need to give those things to him. For my own well-being. And how am I supposed to teach the children to trust in God's plan, if I only partially trust in it myself????

Nice little fairy tale

I saw this posted by a friend on one of the forums I like and I had to share. Some days (today being one of them) it's nice to day dream. :)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said:'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had
all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem , never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

And she lived happily ever after.

What is left...

What do we have left when Hope is gone???

Having second thoughts...

I decided to start this to keep track of some of my own thoughts, feelings, goings on, etc... I ADORE my children more than anything in the world, but some days I am afraid I am losing me. So I thought I'd try to do a better job balancing Jenn the person with Jenn the mom. But now I am having second thoughts. Who really wants to read my ramblings anyway?? And does that make me selfish?? Anyway, I'll keep this for a little bit and see if I like it.