Mother's Day

Yesterday was a good day. For the first time since we have moved here, I went to church by myself with the children. Lenny always comes too, but yesterday was the first day he missed. It's probably good he missed it, actually. He would of been bored.

Our usual pastor is awesome. And he is so funny. I love being able to go to church and laugh until I have tears in my eyes and then leave feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the week. I also learn. And I enjoy that. Currently we are in the middle of going over the Ten Commandments. However he is putting a different spin on it. In my past church experiences, the Commandments have been portrayed as being put in place by an angry God who was mad that we had fallen so far from Him. However, our pastor is showing how the Commandments have actually come from God's love for us. I am really enjoying this series. Anyway, this week we covered "Honor thy father and thy mother". And the sermon was given by the ladies pastor.

Her message was very emotional, and I know that Lenny would not of really enjoyed it as much as I, so I am kind of glad he stayed home. I cried a few different times during her message. She talked about the "weightiness" of the parent/child relationship. She talked about how that relationship can be one of our biggest sources of happiness, yet it is also the relationship that can hurt us the most. She said she was actually praying for guidance because she had no idea how she was supposed to tell the girl whose father molested her and the little boy who watched his mother drive off never to return to him to honor their parents. But the answer was that if you give your pain and burdens to God, He will carry them for you. And if you give God the pain from those relationships, you will then be able to honor your parents because that is what God wants you to do. I thought it was interesting. But another twist she put on the sermon is what really got to me.

She talked about the weight of the responsibility of being a parent. And even now just thinking about it, I can physically feel that weight. I have two human beings whom I am responsible for. Not just to feed, cloth, and make sure they get an education. I am responsible for the PEOPLE they turn out to be. I will shape their CHARACTER. By the things I say and do, by the things that I expect of them, and by the people and experiences I expose them to. And depending on what type of a role model I am, they will either go along with what I am trying to do, or rebel against it. That is HUGE! And scary. But she talked about how God knows that the true weight of being a parent will crush us if we don't ask him to carry the load for us. He never intended for us to do it alone. That really hit home with me.

I have many, many, good days with the children. In fact, more often than not, I think I am a decent parent. But there are days that I am so stressed and tired and out of patience. And on those days I try not to , but I end up taking it out on the children. I snap at them for making a mess or getting into something they shouldn't, instead of laughing and realizing it's not that big of a deal. I get frustrated that Isaac won't stop crying from teething so bad, instead of trying to realize how much pain he is in. I get irritated with Jazmine for doing what she wants when she wants instead of just realizing she is just trying to exercise independence and figure out who "she" is. And after listening to Valerie's message yesterday, I realize that I am not giving it to God. I am trying to do it alone. And I can't. This is just the beginning of my journey with the children. I need to learn to give up control to God now, because otherwise I will never survive the road ahead. My children are truly the best people ever. They have amazing spirits. They are happy and loving and trusting, and they adore me. I need to put God in control so my stress doesn't crush that spirit in them or ruin their faith in me. That is my biggest fear. I want them to continue to grow up being as happy and well adjusted as they are right now.

Then, of course, the sermon just got me thinking about my life in general. I can't do everything alone. I am not superwoman, though I do try my hardest. I do not like having to depend on others. They always let me down. If I only depend on myself, then if I let myself down, oh'well. At least that won't hurt. But I can't be that way. I need to let go of it. Pray and trust in God. And I have been better with that. There are parts of my life that I have almost completely let go of. I trust that God is in control. But there are a couple things that I have not given to him. Partially because it has to do with my heart. However, I need to give those things to him. For my own well-being. And how am I supposed to teach the children to trust in God's plan, if I only partially trust in it myself????