Cocoa

Yesterday was a tough day. Not that many people know, but we have a couple ferrets. I get tired of "explaining" about them to ignorant people who know nothing about what wonderful creatures they are, since they are so sure they are dirty and stink and bite, etc. , so I just normally don't mention anything. They are ours. We love them. And they are fabulous, loving (and surprisingly clean) pets. We have had them for about 4 years.

Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.

I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.

After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.

I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.

I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.