Monday, December 28, 2009
Zazzle
I've had a little Photoshop fun lately and thought I'd use it to promote my love for Africa! These are the only things I have right now, but now that the Holidays are almost over and I can get some more computer time, I have another design in the works right now!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Cancel that church talk...lol
Okay, so never mind when I was talking about checking out that church we always drive by. Out running errands on Saturday we drove by and I wrote down the name and service time. After reading their web page and such, it just isn't for me. However, I get this nagging feeling that God is trying to tell me something with relation to church. I just haven't figured it out yet. :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Church talk
When we first moved to town someone told my husband about a church we had to check out. They said it was great. AND IT WAS!!!! Truth be told...when we first drove up to it that first day, we almost turned around and went home. It was big. Way too big for us and our preference for small little community churches. But we figured we drove all the way there....may as well check it out. It was fabulous. The pastor had me in TEARS from laughing so hard! We left that first day and my sides hurt! So we went back. And have never tried anywhere else because we just loved to listen to him! Earlier this year, the Pastor got offered a job as President of a bible college in Cali. It was a great opportunity, so he took it. Our church floundered around a bit for a couple months with guest speakers and sermons by the assistant pastors. But we were really struggling to enjoy the church any longer. However, we decided to hang out and see who the "new" pastor would end up being. Our new pastor came, and he was just as fun to listen to, and made me laugh almost just as much. We were happy and stayed.
Now I am thinking it may be time to venture out and try something new. The church is great, don't get me wrong, but I just am not sure it's for me any longer. It feels more like a "big" church than it used to. If you aren't part of one of the bible study groups or part of the "clique" then it's hard to get anything from anyone. Phone calls go unanswered. Emails are answered with practically form letters. Interest shown in wanting to be part of the service teams are not replied to. The only people who "know" me are the child care workers. And that used to be okay for me. I enjoyed my anonymity. Now I feel an urging for "more".
There is a church that opened a couple months ago not too far from here, just over the river. I first noticed it while the building was being remodeled and had a sign mentioning that a new church was coming. And ever since that first time I noticed the sign about it....every time I drive my it catches my eye. I always look at it. I always have to read the sign. I always "wonder" what it's like inside. I am now thinking that it may be God's way of saying "check it out". Or I could be crazy... but I think I am going to go this week. I am not going to lie...I may chicken out. I might stick to my comfort zone. And if I do, I'll use my children as an excuse...I'll say it is cuz they love their Sunday School classes so much I don't want to jostle them around. But hopefully I'll take a step out and try something new. Might just be what my soul needs!
Now I am thinking it may be time to venture out and try something new. The church is great, don't get me wrong, but I just am not sure it's for me any longer. It feels more like a "big" church than it used to. If you aren't part of one of the bible study groups or part of the "clique" then it's hard to get anything from anyone. Phone calls go unanswered. Emails are answered with practically form letters. Interest shown in wanting to be part of the service teams are not replied to. The only people who "know" me are the child care workers. And that used to be okay for me. I enjoyed my anonymity. Now I feel an urging for "more".
There is a church that opened a couple months ago not too far from here, just over the river. I first noticed it while the building was being remodeled and had a sign mentioning that a new church was coming. And ever since that first time I noticed the sign about it....every time I drive my it catches my eye. I always look at it. I always have to read the sign. I always "wonder" what it's like inside. I am now thinking that it may be God's way of saying "check it out". Or I could be crazy... but I think I am going to go this week. I am not going to lie...I may chicken out. I might stick to my comfort zone. And if I do, I'll use my children as an excuse...I'll say it is cuz they love their Sunday School classes so much I don't want to jostle them around. But hopefully I'll take a step out and try something new. Might just be what my soul needs!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Randomness....
I haven't blogged in a bit, but I have had tons going on and tons of thoughts swirling in my mind. I'll forewarn now to those who are about to read....this is going to be long, disorganized, completely random, and maybe even make no sense. And it's going to be too much information about my life. But that is what my mind is like right now... so consider yourself warned. ;)
Things have been challenging lately. The economy isn't getting any better as far as it is treating our household. Hubby is home more than he is at work these days. I can't seem to make a darn penny to add to help out the household no matter how hard I try. All the plates we are balancing to make ends meet are slowly crashing to the floor. It is what it is. And I am faced with two choices as I see it....I can be mad, angry, bitter, and lose faith...or I can look for the lesson from the Lord and realize He is in control, and I am where I am supposed to be. I am choosing the second option.
It sounds silly to many, but the physical pain in my heart at not being able to put something under the tree for the children is so very intense. I am not one to spoil the children, and ever since they were born for every gift they receive for Christmas and birthdays, they give a toy away to children who don't have any. And the kids actually take this quite seriously, and put alot of thought into what toys to give away. It is very important to them that the other children will like to play with the toys. But there is nothing under the tree this year. There is from the grandparents, but not from mommy and daddy. How can I spend money on presents when only divine intervention will pay rent this month? How can I spend money on presents when it is 14degrees outside and I'd REALLY like to keep the power on? Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes right now. I can't provide for my children. It rips my heart in two, and it literally takes my breath away.
But then I look to the lesson....And I think about the millions, and I do mean millions, of parents who can't provide for their children. The parents who can't even afford to FEED their children, and have to sit by and watch their children shrink and deteriorate from malnutrition. The parents who can't afford to put shoes on their children's feet and they are forced to walk around barefoot on rocks while their feet are getting cut open and infected. I think of the millions of orphans who have no parents and nobody to worry about providing for them and are trying to fend for themselves. I think of the orphans who are fortunate enough to live in homes where there are caregivers, but then think of the pain those caregivers must feel at struggling to take care of them with the limited financial resources they have. And I realize my pain pales in comparison.
And everyone of these children belong to God. He feels the pain and heartache at every suffering child. I can't even imagine what that heartache must feel like. His pain is millions times worse. And maybe my lesson is to know pain, that though it is nothing like what millions others feel, it is enough of a pain to make me THANKFUL for my circumstances, and make me MORE determined to spread the word about the less fortunate and orphans of the world.
Whatever this near future brings, I only know two things....God is in control, and no matter what happens my children will only see joy in our situation. That's about all I can do.
Things have been challenging lately. The economy isn't getting any better as far as it is treating our household. Hubby is home more than he is at work these days. I can't seem to make a darn penny to add to help out the household no matter how hard I try. All the plates we are balancing to make ends meet are slowly crashing to the floor. It is what it is. And I am faced with two choices as I see it....I can be mad, angry, bitter, and lose faith...or I can look for the lesson from the Lord and realize He is in control, and I am where I am supposed to be. I am choosing the second option.
It sounds silly to many, but the physical pain in my heart at not being able to put something under the tree for the children is so very intense. I am not one to spoil the children, and ever since they were born for every gift they receive for Christmas and birthdays, they give a toy away to children who don't have any. And the kids actually take this quite seriously, and put alot of thought into what toys to give away. It is very important to them that the other children will like to play with the toys. But there is nothing under the tree this year. There is from the grandparents, but not from mommy and daddy. How can I spend money on presents when only divine intervention will pay rent this month? How can I spend money on presents when it is 14degrees outside and I'd REALLY like to keep the power on? Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes right now. I can't provide for my children. It rips my heart in two, and it literally takes my breath away.
But then I look to the lesson....And I think about the millions, and I do mean millions, of parents who can't provide for their children. The parents who can't even afford to FEED their children, and have to sit by and watch their children shrink and deteriorate from malnutrition. The parents who can't afford to put shoes on their children's feet and they are forced to walk around barefoot on rocks while their feet are getting cut open and infected. I think of the millions of orphans who have no parents and nobody to worry about providing for them and are trying to fend for themselves. I think of the orphans who are fortunate enough to live in homes where there are caregivers, but then think of the pain those caregivers must feel at struggling to take care of them with the limited financial resources they have. And I realize my pain pales in comparison.
And everyone of these children belong to God. He feels the pain and heartache at every suffering child. I can't even imagine what that heartache must feel like. His pain is millions times worse. And maybe my lesson is to know pain, that though it is nothing like what millions others feel, it is enough of a pain to make me THANKFUL for my circumstances, and make me MORE determined to spread the word about the less fortunate and orphans of the world.
Whatever this near future brings, I only know two things....God is in control, and no matter what happens my children will only see joy in our situation. That's about all I can do.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Perspective
Jazmine fell into the river while we were fishing this summer. I heard a splash and saw her completely under the water with those big blue eyes looking up at me. She kicked and kicked and was trying to get above water. I was petrified. I instantly jumped into the river to grab her. That was my baby. Floating in a river. I am not a strong swimmer. Not strong enough to be able to swim carrying a child. But by the grace of God I somehow managed to find a rock right where I jumped in that was up high enough for me to tip-toe on to be able to pull her up and onto the rocky bank.
She was fine. She held her breath the entire time. Didn't even come up coughing. She was so petrified. Isaac was petrified. They were both crying. I managed to hold myself together because I didn't want to scare them any more than they were.
Later back at camp, as I had just turned off the Coleman stove and dished up the kids food, it hit me. The stress of it all came crashing around me. I had to run off into the woods to vomit. I started sweating and shaking uncontrollably. But all I kept thinking was that my little girl could of just as easily NOT been sitting there eating dinner with us. She could of been in hospital, or worse yet, she could of been dead. And by the Grace of God she was there. And she was fine! God is good!
The crazy thing about the whole thing, is the perspectives we take in life. Jazmine remembers I saved her. She doesn't even talk about being scared or anything. She says about it "Mommy, I fell in river but you saved me. You saved me, mommy." This happened in August, and just last night, out of the blue (coincidentally about 2 minutes after I had just been thinking about it) she says "remember, you saved me when I fell in the river. Do you remember that you saved me mommy?" I tell her Mommy is the one who jumped in the river, but it was Jesus who was keeping her safe until I could pull her out. She doesn't completely understand that yet, but one day she will.
And though she is safe, I have a hard time seeing it from her perspective. I always usually look at the bright side of things. Always have and I hopefully always will. But this one episode brings to the forefront of my mind that not everyone sees things the same way. Some people only see what they deem as the failure in a situation, or what they perceive as hopelessness. I don't remember I pulled her out until later. That is not the first thought that crosses my mind. All I initially think about is that she COULD of died, and I FAILED as a parent because she fell in in the first place. She should of never fell in.
My question for you to think about is this....What perspective do you look at life with?
She was fine. She held her breath the entire time. Didn't even come up coughing. She was so petrified. Isaac was petrified. They were both crying. I managed to hold myself together because I didn't want to scare them any more than they were.
Later back at camp, as I had just turned off the Coleman stove and dished up the kids food, it hit me. The stress of it all came crashing around me. I had to run off into the woods to vomit. I started sweating and shaking uncontrollably. But all I kept thinking was that my little girl could of just as easily NOT been sitting there eating dinner with us. She could of been in hospital, or worse yet, she could of been dead. And by the Grace of God she was there. And she was fine! God is good!
The crazy thing about the whole thing, is the perspectives we take in life. Jazmine remembers I saved her. She doesn't even talk about being scared or anything. She says about it "Mommy, I fell in river but you saved me. You saved me, mommy." This happened in August, and just last night, out of the blue (coincidentally about 2 minutes after I had just been thinking about it) she says "remember, you saved me when I fell in the river. Do you remember that you saved me mommy?" I tell her Mommy is the one who jumped in the river, but it was Jesus who was keeping her safe until I could pull her out. She doesn't completely understand that yet, but one day she will.
And though she is safe, I have a hard time seeing it from her perspective. I always usually look at the bright side of things. Always have and I hopefully always will. But this one episode brings to the forefront of my mind that not everyone sees things the same way. Some people only see what they deem as the failure in a situation, or what they perceive as hopelessness. I don't remember I pulled her out until later. That is not the first thought that crosses my mind. All I initially think about is that she COULD of died, and I FAILED as a parent because she fell in in the first place. She should of never fell in.
My question for you to think about is this....What perspective do you look at life with?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Yikes!!! LOL!
Wish me luck and lots of prayers that this works!!
www.designs-by-jenn.blogspot.com
The site is not perfect, by any means. There will be "tweaks" and changes and more photos and services added as the next few days go by. But I know me, and if I waited until I thought is was perfect, it would never get up and published!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Talking to the Church
The other day I emailed the Pastor at church in charge of Missions asking about what all we have done for our missions activities. Our church goes to Mexico once a year to build a house for a homeless family, and once they built 2 churches. And then one year the High School youth group volunteered at an orphanage for a week. We also have a couple whom the church helps support the work they do, and they are now leaving for Cambodia to help run a school that teaches Missionaries. All good things, all GOD things. But I feel like we can do more.
We also have the Dream Center....every Saturday people go into neighborhoods, knock on doors, and say "Hey, do you need anything?" They mow lawns, run errands, pull weeds, haul away garbage, whatever the people need. Also, the children of the neighborhoods are invited every Saturday to a local middle school where we have been given use of the gym and cafeteria. There are youth groups meeting, crafts, food, games...things that these less fortunate children wouldn't normally get to experience. Another HUGE thing that came out of this was a Free Medical Clinic. It is so hard to get health care here in Oregon from the state if you don't have any other insurance. (I should know....my diabetic husband was denied when we had a monthly income of $600 to support a family of 4!!) Anyway....this is another FABULOUS thing our church is doing. I love it, and it makes me happy. A good thing, a GOD thing. :) But I feel like we can do more.
So today I have emailed the church again, but this time to talk about Amazima and 147MillionOrphans. PLEASE wish me luck and send prayers. I have this deep feeling in the very depths of me, that there is more I should be doing in some way. My next step is to see if I can get the our church to pay attention. I'll let you know how it goes!!
We also have the Dream Center....every Saturday people go into neighborhoods, knock on doors, and say "Hey, do you need anything?" They mow lawns, run errands, pull weeds, haul away garbage, whatever the people need. Also, the children of the neighborhoods are invited every Saturday to a local middle school where we have been given use of the gym and cafeteria. There are youth groups meeting, crafts, food, games...things that these less fortunate children wouldn't normally get to experience. Another HUGE thing that came out of this was a Free Medical Clinic. It is so hard to get health care here in Oregon from the state if you don't have any other insurance. (I should know....my diabetic husband was denied when we had a monthly income of $600 to support a family of 4!!) Anyway....this is another FABULOUS thing our church is doing. I love it, and it makes me happy. A good thing, a GOD thing. :) But I feel like we can do more.
So today I have emailed the church again, but this time to talk about Amazima and 147MillionOrphans. PLEASE wish me luck and send prayers. I have this deep feeling in the very depths of me, that there is more I should be doing in some way. My next step is to see if I can get the our church to pay attention. I'll let you know how it goes!!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Rough day
Yesterday was a rough day. Today still is, too. Today's tears are being shed for yesterday.
Everyone who knows me knows I take and take and take, refusing to be defeated, insisting on smiling at the world and saying "I feel fabulous, thank you!". And then one day, it's too much. I crumble. I feel defeated. I hurt. And then the awful sinner in me lashes out. I hurt so bad that I lash out trying to hurt someone else as I do, so I don't feel alone in my pain.
What I forget during these times is that I am not alone in my pain. The Lord is there with me, he feels my pain, and even more than that He feels so much more pain because He feels the pain of all His children. I also forget that during these times, there is a battle going on for my soul. The devil is trying to win it over, and the Lord is using these times to draw me closer to Him. To find the strength to endure in Him. I am only human....I am too weak to do it on my own. I have two choices....I can remember that He is there and draw nearer to him, learning and growing, or I can give in to Satan. I gave in to Satan yesterday. I am ashamed. I lashed out in anger, I said hurtful things to those who love me, I was short-tempered with the kids, not giving them the patience they deserve from me. I feel like I was a terrible wife/mother yesterday. And I am struggling with it today. It is so hard to forgive myself....and it is hard to imagine that the Lord forgives me, but thankfully He does. Thankfully in my darkest hours when I have given up on myself, He hasn't. His love endures.
God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
(Lamentations 3:22-24 - The Message)
Everyone who knows me knows I take and take and take, refusing to be defeated, insisting on smiling at the world and saying "I feel fabulous, thank you!". And then one day, it's too much. I crumble. I feel defeated. I hurt. And then the awful sinner in me lashes out. I hurt so bad that I lash out trying to hurt someone else as I do, so I don't feel alone in my pain.
What I forget during these times is that I am not alone in my pain. The Lord is there with me, he feels my pain, and even more than that He feels so much more pain because He feels the pain of all His children. I also forget that during these times, there is a battle going on for my soul. The devil is trying to win it over, and the Lord is using these times to draw me closer to Him. To find the strength to endure in Him. I am only human....I am too weak to do it on my own. I have two choices....I can remember that He is there and draw nearer to him, learning and growing, or I can give in to Satan. I gave in to Satan yesterday. I am ashamed. I lashed out in anger, I said hurtful things to those who love me, I was short-tempered with the kids, not giving them the patience they deserve from me. I feel like I was a terrible wife/mother yesterday. And I am struggling with it today. It is so hard to forgive myself....and it is hard to imagine that the Lord forgives me, but thankfully He does. Thankfully in my darkest hours when I have given up on myself, He hasn't. His love endures.
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
(Lamentations 3:22-24 - The Message)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Mocha Club
One of the websites I have been so excited about officially launched it's new site last night, and I am can't wait to shop! Family reading this.... chances are your Christmas gifts will come from here... ;)
Now, as I was clicking around on the new site and reading the "Read Me" section, they had ministries listed that are good ones to check out. The first one, AMAZINA.org is already one that I support and LOVE the things they are doing. There was another one on the list that caught my eye, too. It was the Mocha Club. Now, I am thinking it is my obsession with coffee that caused me to notice it, but either way I did. And I am glad I did!
It is an organization where you donate $7 a month (about the cost of 2 Mocha's) to support a project they are supporting in Africa. As soon as I saw they had one for Orphans/Vulnerable Children, I was sold. Of course I immediately signed up. Now this is where I ask for your help. If you think you'd be interested in helping out, PLEASE click the logo below and go join my team of people helping that I am trying to build. And if you AREN'T interested, could you help and just please pass the info on? Send someone else here to see if they may be interested. THANK YOU so much for your help!!
Now, as I was clicking around on the new site and reading the "Read Me" section, they had ministries listed that are good ones to check out. The first one, AMAZINA.org is already one that I support and LOVE the things they are doing. There was another one on the list that caught my eye, too. It was the Mocha Club. Now, I am thinking it is my obsession with coffee that caused me to notice it, but either way I did. And I am glad I did!
It is an organization where you donate $7 a month (about the cost of 2 Mocha's) to support a project they are supporting in Africa. As soon as I saw they had one for Orphans/Vulnerable Children, I was sold. Of course I immediately signed up. Now this is where I ask for your help. If you think you'd be interested in helping out, PLEASE click the logo below and go join my team of people helping that I am trying to build. And if you AREN'T interested, could you help and just please pass the info on? Send someone else here to see if they may be interested. THANK YOU so much for your help!!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Forgot what it was like....
Grandma Doris has been here visiting the last couple weeks. As a stay home mom with no car, I LOVE the company. :)
Well, I have had some Red Lobster gift cards for over a year, and we just don't get the chance to go out to eat often enough for me to be willing to take the kids there just yet. So we just keep holding on to the gift cards. However, Grandma decided that Mommy and Daddy were going to use them. So the other night, just my husband and I went out to dinner. It was nice, quiet, relaxing, and I kept watching everyone else's kids thinking...."Awww....I miss mine, we should of brought them." LOL...yep, that is my crazy mind for you! ;) However, it was fabulous to sit and have an adult conversation and enjoy a couple hours with just my husband. We haven't been out to dinner alone since probably about June of 2006. I had forgotten what it was like to not try to keep excessive amounts of food off the floor, try to keep active toddlers seated in their boosters, convince them that salt and pepper shakers aren't toys, and get them to consistently use their "inside voice". Oh, and be able to actually enjoy the appetizer, salad, and entree, without having to ask for a box as soon as the entrees come because that is one course too many for a 2yr and 3yr old. :)
Well, I have had some Red Lobster gift cards for over a year, and we just don't get the chance to go out to eat often enough for me to be willing to take the kids there just yet. So we just keep holding on to the gift cards. However, Grandma decided that Mommy and Daddy were going to use them. So the other night, just my husband and I went out to dinner. It was nice, quiet, relaxing, and I kept watching everyone else's kids thinking...."Awww....I miss mine, we should of brought them." LOL...yep, that is my crazy mind for you! ;) However, it was fabulous to sit and have an adult conversation and enjoy a couple hours with just my husband. We haven't been out to dinner alone since probably about June of 2006. I had forgotten what it was like to not try to keep excessive amounts of food off the floor, try to keep active toddlers seated in their boosters, convince them that salt and pepper shakers aren't toys, and get them to consistently use their "inside voice". Oh, and be able to actually enjoy the appetizer, salad, and entree, without having to ask for a box as soon as the entrees come because that is one course too many for a 2yr and 3yr old. :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
In the course of reading all the adoption blogs I am enjoying so much, I came across this family's blog. They have already adopted previously, but received a call from the adoption agency they used asking them if they wanted to adopt again in a "pilot" program they were launching. Well, if THEY call YOU, ASKING to adopt, I am thinking that is a HUGE sign that the Lord has plans for you to have another child! Since they weren't planning on adoption when they got the call, they are also working on fundraising.
Check out their adoption blog here....
Help Us Bring Our Child Home!
This with FABULOUS items handmade to help fundraise...
Denise's Creations
Help Us Bring Our Child Home!
This with FABULOUS items handmade to help fundraise...
Denise's Creations
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I can't begin to comprehend.....
I am so baffled. I can't get my mind to stop trying to rationalize, and I just come up with nothing.
There are so many people who think that my passion about the orphan crisis is a sweet "stage" I am going through. They can't even begin to understand where I am coming from. I have always wanted to help children who need families my whole life, but until recently I had no idea how BIG of a problem it is. Now that I know what I know, I can't turn my head. I can't just say "Wow, that is so sad" and then walk away. I know I can't "fix" it, like I always try to do with every other problem that comes my way. This is definitely different. But just helping one orphan get food and healthcare, or better yet...a forever family to come home to, helps.
I look at my children, and my heart is overjoyed. They are loved...so very well loved. They are happy, they smile and laugh, and give out hugs and kisses constantly. They are tender spirits who love everyone and everything. They know that the person missing a leg is special, because God chose them to be that way to serve his purpose. They know that God loves everyone equally, and He made everyone different in different ways. Some ways you can see on the outside, and some ways you can't see. They are smart, and funny, and I could go on forever about them. They are well fed, well clothed, are played with, have warm comfortable beds to sleep in. They are truly blessed, and even more than that.....I am truly blessed to have them. They are the best gift from God ever.
But I also look at them and wonder....why? Why do my children deserve such love when there are millions of children who don't get that? Don't get me wrong...as a mother, of COURSE I think my children are special enough to get what they get. I wouldn't settle for anything less for them. But what makes it okay for all the orphans to not be treated the way all of God's children deserve to be treated? Why do so many people turn their heads? If I can help feed them, or help get them home to families, why would I not?? How can someone in good conscious hear the details of the orphan crisis, and then walk away? How can a parent do that? I don't understand. I can't begin to wrap my head around it.
It makes me cry that there are so many people who say "How sad", and then go on their merry little ways drinking their coffee and doing more shopping for cars they don't need, shoes they will never wear, books they will probably not even read. Why can't more people understand that if they bought one less cup of coffee a week, bought one less magazine a week, one less manicure a month, eat out once time less a month.....they would be helping.
Can people do more? Can I do more? Yes. Definitely. But something is better than nothing. And maybe, just maybe, doing something small will spark a desire to do more. In the meantime, while I struggle with trying to understand how so many people can not care, I will continue to spread the word. Hopefully I can get through to someone.
"....once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do.
God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls,
knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12
There are so many people who think that my passion about the orphan crisis is a sweet "stage" I am going through. They can't even begin to understand where I am coming from. I have always wanted to help children who need families my whole life, but until recently I had no idea how BIG of a problem it is. Now that I know what I know, I can't turn my head. I can't just say "Wow, that is so sad" and then walk away. I know I can't "fix" it, like I always try to do with every other problem that comes my way. This is definitely different. But just helping one orphan get food and healthcare, or better yet...a forever family to come home to, helps.
I look at my children, and my heart is overjoyed. They are loved...so very well loved. They are happy, they smile and laugh, and give out hugs and kisses constantly. They are tender spirits who love everyone and everything. They know that the person missing a leg is special, because God chose them to be that way to serve his purpose. They know that God loves everyone equally, and He made everyone different in different ways. Some ways you can see on the outside, and some ways you can't see. They are smart, and funny, and I could go on forever about them. They are well fed, well clothed, are played with, have warm comfortable beds to sleep in. They are truly blessed, and even more than that.....I am truly blessed to have them. They are the best gift from God ever.
But I also look at them and wonder....why? Why do my children deserve such love when there are millions of children who don't get that? Don't get me wrong...as a mother, of COURSE I think my children are special enough to get what they get. I wouldn't settle for anything less for them. But what makes it okay for all the orphans to not be treated the way all of God's children deserve to be treated? Why do so many people turn their heads? If I can help feed them, or help get them home to families, why would I not?? How can someone in good conscious hear the details of the orphan crisis, and then walk away? How can a parent do that? I don't understand. I can't begin to wrap my head around it.
It makes me cry that there are so many people who say "How sad", and then go on their merry little ways drinking their coffee and doing more shopping for cars they don't need, shoes they will never wear, books they will probably not even read. Why can't more people understand that if they bought one less cup of coffee a week, bought one less magazine a week, one less manicure a month, eat out once time less a month.....they would be helping.
Can people do more? Can I do more? Yes. Definitely. But something is better than nothing. And maybe, just maybe, doing something small will spark a desire to do more. In the meantime, while I struggle with trying to understand how so many people can not care, I will continue to spread the word. Hopefully I can get through to someone.
God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls,
knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12
Monday, October 12, 2009
Update
It has been a chaotic couple of days. Friday we left home to head to Tillamook, where hubby and I were taking a guide out fishing on Saturday. Grandma came along to watch the kids in the hotel while we were gone. It really was a ton of fun. It was just the three of us on the boat, and he was a super nice guy. We caught a couple beautiful Coho Salmon, one of them the biggest I had ever seen, (big enough we all thought it was a Chinook at the time), but they were wild and not hatchery so we couldn't keep them. Hubby hooked a couple Chinook that got off, hence is the nature of fishing. No fresh salmon to take home to eat, but at least it was fun. The weather was about as gorgeous as you could ask for in October on the Oregon Coast, and the Dramine worked. I didn't get seasick at all! :) I guess it helped that God was really helping a girl out....the ocean was about as flat as it gets that close to shore, even the guide commented how unusually calm the water was. :)
We just hung out in Tillamook after fishing, stayed one more night at the hotel, and headed home to watch some football and try to relax yesterday. Well, it ended up not being a very relaxing day, but hey....we all have those days, right? :)
On other fronts, last week I got some very discouraging feedback about a few things I had been working on. I'll give you more information in the future, but a prayer that God helps us to stay focused on the path He has chosen would be greatly appreciated.
Of course I can not make a post without mentioning the orphan crisis and pointing out another fabulous family trying to make an impact. They are trying to adopt from Ethiopia and are gathering funds to get their dossier ready to send off. At least head over there and take a look. Maybe even send someone you know to their blog to read about them. You never know who may be moved to help a family help an orphan come home to a loving forever family! And really, just helping ONE orphan makes a difference.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
147 Million Orphans
~Every day 5,760 more children become orphans.
~There are an estimated 14 Million AIDS orphans in Africa alone.
~Each YEAR 14,505,000 orphans age out of the system.
~Each DAY 38,493 orphans age out of system.
~Every SECOND 2.2 orphans age out without every having a forever family to love them the way they deserve.
"...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our soul, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12
Click on the logo below to check out this wonderful site to bring light to the orphan crisis. Their products help families fund their adoptions, and feed starving children in Uganda, Africa.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Help an Orphan!
Starting now, you will start to see a lot of stuff about orphans, the orphan crisis in the world, and links to blogs of families that are trying to adopt. I hope and pray that you will be just as moved by this as I have been. Anything helps. Prayers are needed, money to help fund adoptions, or feed orphans, or even just spreading the word.
This first blog I am linking to is the Walser family. They have just started out in their adoption journey and are selling absolutely adorable T-Shirts to try to raise the funds for their home study fee. Stop by and check their blog out!
This first blog I am linking to is the Walser family. They have just started out in their adoption journey and are selling absolutely adorable T-Shirts to try to raise the funds for their home study fee. Stop by and check their blog out!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Words to live by
Happy moments, praise God
Difficult moments, seek God
Quiet moments, worship God
Painful moments, trust God
Every moment, thank God
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Not merely coincidence....
I have had this "idea" swirling in my head for quite a while now. Going all the way back to when I was still just in high school. The last month or so, it has really been pressing on my mind and heart. I feel like I truly struggle at knowing what God wants me to do and that path He wants me to take. But I feel I may be close to figuring it out. I think maybe I am on the right path. A friend who got a special phone call which brought this feeling in my heart back to the forefront, a link to a blog to read, which lead to more blogs to read, which leave to "meeting" people, which leads to driving by a sign on a church yesterday that said...."Where God guides, He will provide." And it all ties in to the "idea" swirling, that I am trying to wrap my mind around, and put it into logical steps. Maybe, just maybe, this is possible and I haven't truly lost my mind. :)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My children melt my heart!!
(This is a duplicate post from the kids' page....sorry, but I was so happy I had to share twice!)
For as long as I can remember, whenever the kids go to put clothes on that don't fit any longer, I take them and put them in a box. I then tell the children that those clothes are going to babies or younger children who don't have clothes that fit them, and really need some. As soon as I got busted taking toys from their room, I told them the same thing. They had so many toys and there were children in the world who didn't have any, so let's share our toys. When we were moving last year, I even sat toys out and asked the kids to pick out what toys they wanted to share with others and what ones they wanted to keep. And they probably willingly gave away more than half of what I was hoping to.
A few weeks ago, Jazmine even came with me when I took a few boxes of food, clothes, & toys to the Union Gospel Mission. She was so very excited to be giving to these children she always hears about. The absolute heartbreak on her face when she realized she couldn't personally hand them to the children broke my heart. I explained to her that the wonderful nice gentleman that we did give the things to will take good care of them and make sure the kids get everything. After a few minutes of talking, she was okay again, and couldn't stop talking about the nice man helping her to help the kids. (Absolutely melts my heart!!)
Yesterday, totally out of the blue, Jazmine and Isaac both started putting books and toys on my kitchen counter. Needless to say, I was confused. I asked why they were doing that, (because they know better...LOL) and Jazmine looked at me with those big blue eyes and said...."These are books and toys for other kids who don't have any." And Isaac said... "I am going to go get more books!" Pretty impressive for 2 and 3.
Now, I know I am not perfect, and some days I would tell you I don't think I am even that good of a mom, and God must of made his first mistake when he made me a mommy....but when those children were going through their room and putting toys on my counter for me to give away, it gave me goosebumps to think that maybe, just maybe, I am doing okay. :)
For as long as I can remember, whenever the kids go to put clothes on that don't fit any longer, I take them and put them in a box. I then tell the children that those clothes are going to babies or younger children who don't have clothes that fit them, and really need some. As soon as I got busted taking toys from their room, I told them the same thing. They had so many toys and there were children in the world who didn't have any, so let's share our toys. When we were moving last year, I even sat toys out and asked the kids to pick out what toys they wanted to share with others and what ones they wanted to keep. And they probably willingly gave away more than half of what I was hoping to.
A few weeks ago, Jazmine even came with me when I took a few boxes of food, clothes, & toys to the Union Gospel Mission. She was so very excited to be giving to these children she always hears about. The absolute heartbreak on her face when she realized she couldn't personally hand them to the children broke my heart. I explained to her that the wonderful nice gentleman that we did give the things to will take good care of them and make sure the kids get everything. After a few minutes of talking, she was okay again, and couldn't stop talking about the nice man helping her to help the kids. (Absolutely melts my heart!!)
Yesterday, totally out of the blue, Jazmine and Isaac both started putting books and toys on my kitchen counter. Needless to say, I was confused. I asked why they were doing that, (because they know better...LOL) and Jazmine looked at me with those big blue eyes and said...."These are books and toys for other kids who don't have any." And Isaac said... "I am going to go get more books!" Pretty impressive for 2 and 3.
Now, I know I am not perfect, and some days I would tell you I don't think I am even that good of a mom, and God must of made his first mistake when he made me a mommy....but when those children were going through their room and putting toys on my counter for me to give away, it gave me goosebumps to think that maybe, just maybe, I am doing okay. :)
Monday, September 28, 2009
Prayer for Today
Help me to hear your voice
even when the noise of life
threatens to drown it out.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Just for Today
Just for today, I am going to be more patient.
Just for today, I am going to read the children an extra book.
Just for today, I am not going to stress about things that I can't control and don't matter.
Just for today, I am going to read the children an extra book.
Just for today, I am not going to stress about things that I can't control and don't matter.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Fallen off the wagon.....
That is what I feel like. I feel like the last couple months I have fallen off the wagon. I have lost focus on what is important in life. I have veered the last couple months from my New Years Resolution that happiness, fulfillment, strength, can only come from the Lord. Through HIM all things are possible. I am getting refocused right now. Some how, though she has no idea she does it, my dear friend Helen is always the one to help me get back on track. Whether it is by a book to read, a bible verse she posted, a website to check out, she helps. And I am so grateful to her.
As I was thinking through how to solve this dilemma of having fallen, I started to try to think of something to help keep me focused. I am a reader. I love to read. But for the very life of me, I struggle so much with the reading of the Bible. I know it's the Lords words, I know I will benefit more than I can possibly imagine through the reading of it, it is just so "not my style". I feel like a terrible Christian and child of God for saying this, but I get bored. So I have ordered two books I am hoping will help me read the Word better. I am so very excited for them to get here!!!
As I was thinking through how to solve this dilemma of having fallen, I started to try to think of something to help keep me focused. I am a reader. I love to read. But for the very life of me, I struggle so much with the reading of the Bible. I know it's the Lords words, I know I will benefit more than I can possibly imagine through the reading of it, it is just so "not my style". I feel like a terrible Christian and child of God for saying this, but I get bored. So I have ordered two books I am hoping will help me read the Word better. I am so very excited for them to get here!!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am such a slacker
I have been so terrible about blogging lately. Trying to do tons of projects, but also just been pretty busy. In all honesty, I was going to write about what I have been up to this past month, but I got sidetracked. My typical "routine" when I log in to Blogger is to see what my friends have been posting first. Once I feel I am done catching up with everyone else, then I take some time to do a little blogging myself. However, in the process of catching up with everyones blogs I came across a message that touched me. I needed to hear it and didn't even know. I need to thank Helen for posting this..... and I am going to re-post it!
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"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." Acts 4:13 (NIV)
What if someone followed me around with a video camera all day documenting my every move? Catching on camera all of my words, facial expressions, actions, and reactions. And then what if someone packaged it all together and played it on some sort of reality TV show for all the world to see? What would be the glaring message of my life?
I am convicted thinking about this.
You see, if someone were to ask me, what are you all about? I would have some nice sounding answers. But what actually happens during the strains of everyday life can sometim es betray my best intentions.
I want to be a loving wife. Yet I can sometimes be found in a grumpy, selfish mood and view my husband as a business partner that better hold up his end of helping out.
I want to be a wise and patient mom. But my kids know the exact buttons to push that send me into a tailspin of emotion and exhaustion.
I want to be a strong witness for Christ. So why is it that I can read my Bible first thing in the morning and then find myself honking at the person that cuts me off in traffic just an hour later?
I realize there is a place for God's tender mercies for me in all this. But I also know that while no TV cameras are following me around, my life is speaking a message about what I really believe and I want that message to honor Jesus. I once heard, "Great sermons are not preached, they are lived." Oh how I long to live a message that speaks loud and clear, "Jesus is true and the principles found in His teachings work!"
Let's just be honest, it's tough being a sold out soul for Christ stuck in a body that is so tempted to sin. That's why it's essential I view my time with God each morning as a preparation and an invitation.
• Preparation: Every verse, devotion and prayer is all part of God's preparation for me that day. Instead of just rushing to check off my to do list that I spent a few minutes with God, I must allow His teachings to seep into my heart and mind. Then I must ask God to interrupt my natural flesh response and remind me throughout the day the truths He taught me that morning. That's the preparation part.
• Invitation: The next essential view of my quiet time each morning is recognizing I've just invited Jesus to do life with me today, so I need to look for His activity throughout my day. My minute by minute theme then becomes, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." So if my husband forgets to do something he promised, or my kids push my buttons, or a person cuts me off in traffic, or one of the other one million things happens that causes my flesh to want to rear up and act ugly… I can say, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." This slight pause and acknowledgement of God redirects my frustration and replaces it with grace. And most wonderful of all, it helps me connect my time with Jesus to everyday life choices. Making that connection is how we personally hear from and experience God!
I know, sometimes it's hard to spend time with Jesus first thing in the morning. And I'm certainly not trying to make this just another demand on our time. But, why not spend just a few minutes… even if it is just a few… letting Jesus prepare us for whatever we'll be facing that day and invite Him to intervene before our natural reactions to things betray our best intentions. Then and only then will my life speak to the fact that I have spent time with Jesus… and without saying a word, my imperfect life will be a God-honoring sermon.
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This was taken from a wonderfully inspirational site HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What if someone followed me around with a video camera all day documenting my every move? Catching on camera all of my words, facial expressions, actions, and reactions. And then what if someone packaged it all together and played it on some sort of reality TV show for all the world to see? What would be the glaring message of my life?
I am convicted thinking about this.
You see, if someone were to ask me, what are you all about? I would have some nice sounding answers. But what actually happens during the strains of everyday life can sometim es betray my best intentions.
I want to be a loving wife. Yet I can sometimes be found in a grumpy, selfish mood and view my husband as a business partner that better hold up his end of helping out.
I want to be a wise and patient mom. But my kids know the exact buttons to push that send me into a tailspin of emotion and exhaustion.
I want to be a strong witness for Christ. So why is it that I can read my Bible first thing in the morning and then find myself honking at the person that cuts me off in traffic just an hour later?
I realize there is a place for God's tender mercies for me in all this. But I also know that while no TV cameras are following me around, my life is speaking a message about what I really believe and I want that message to honor Jesus. I once heard, "Great sermons are not preached, they are lived." Oh how I long to live a message that speaks loud and clear, "Jesus is true and the principles found in His teachings work!"
Let's just be honest, it's tough being a sold out soul for Christ stuck in a body that is so tempted to sin. That's why it's essential I view my time with God each morning as a preparation and an invitation.
• Preparation: Every verse, devotion and prayer is all part of God's preparation for me that day. Instead of just rushing to check off my to do list that I spent a few minutes with God, I must allow His teachings to seep into my heart and mind. Then I must ask God to interrupt my natural flesh response and remind me throughout the day the truths He taught me that morning. That's the preparation part.
• Invitation: The next essential view of my quiet time each morning is recognizing I've just invited Jesus to do life with me today, so I need to look for His activity throughout my day. My minute by minute theme then becomes, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." So if my husband forgets to do something he promised, or my kids push my buttons, or a person cuts me off in traffic, or one of the other one million things happens that causes my flesh to want to rear up and act ugly… I can say, "Not my will God, but Yours be done." This slight pause and acknowledgement of God redirects my frustration and replaces it with grace. And most wonderful of all, it helps me connect my time with Jesus to everyday life choices. Making that connection is how we personally hear from and experience God!
I know, sometimes it's hard to spend time with Jesus first thing in the morning. And I'm certainly not trying to make this just another demand on our time. But, why not spend just a few minutes… even if it is just a few… letting Jesus prepare us for whatever we'll be facing that day and invite Him to intervene before our natural reactions to things betray our best intentions. Then and only then will my life speak to the fact that I have spent time with Jesus… and without saying a word, my imperfect life will be a God-honoring sermon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was taken from a wonderfully inspirational site HERE
Saturday, August 8, 2009
The thing I miss the most about working....
....is that feeling of "Ahhhhh.....it's Friday!!". Knowing that you had at least one day of sleep, rest, relaxation, doing what was on your own agenda, etc...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Norma!
What a wonderful week last week!! It has been a crazy busy last couple weeks with Lenny's mom coming to visit for a week, 4th of July, the Fair, Lenny's uncle visiting, my mom coming, and then last week...NORMA was here. :) I have not seen her in 15 years no thanks to some so called "family". And it was awesome! I have missed her so much, and to finally sit around and just talk, and see her little girl was awesome! She even brought her two wonderful nieces with her. They are all truly amazing girls. We hung out a little, and went camping. The weather was perfect (well, okay, it was a little hot...LOL) the children had a blast playing and swimming, we all hung around talking and laughing, and even played some Monopoly. It was definitely a time to cherish. Hopefully she is headed back here soon!!!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
4 years
Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. Some days it feels like way longer than that, and other days it seems way shorter than that. We swore the day we got married that we'd have an actual ceremony with friends and family "one day very soon". Well, that obviously hasn't happened, but instead we have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world!! There have been wonderful times, and days when all either of us wanted was OUT. But no matter what we still have not given up. And trust me, the tough times still keep piling up, but things are truly trying to get better. Hopefully just means a stronger foundation in the long run!!!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Rainy Saturday Morning
For starters, let me send tons of love and thank you's to Ame, Brandi, and Erika!! I love you girls!!! Thanks for being there!!!
I think the other day was my "bottom" that I hit. I have felt much better the last couple days. I think my biggest problem is that I hold so much in. Everything. So it gets to me. As soon as I have a meltdown, get something off my chest, etc... I always feel a ton better. I think that may of been just what I needed. And then I had my fabulous friends remind me that even though I may "feel" alone, I am not. Part of the reason I hold everything in is to not appear like I can't handle stuff, but also because the saying "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" really hits home. I am determined to enjoy this life I have, whatever the circumstances, but I am human. Every once in a while that little demon slips into my mind and has me wishing for an easier time. If I could just keep him at bay, I wouldn't even need to have my mini-meltdowns. :)
Now in other news...I have decided that this fabulously rainy Saturday afternoon has been given to me so I can catch up on my house work. I must embarrassingly admit, I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even felt like cleaning. (And we KNOW how much I love to do that!!!) I have kept up with the easy stuff, but the place needs a good dusting and mopping, that is for sure!! And everything I haven't felt like dealing with was just relocated to my bedroom. So I am going to get in there and make some serious progress today!! (Well, that's the game plan, anyway........)
I think the other day was my "bottom" that I hit. I have felt much better the last couple days. I think my biggest problem is that I hold so much in. Everything. So it gets to me. As soon as I have a meltdown, get something off my chest, etc... I always feel a ton better. I think that may of been just what I needed. And then I had my fabulous friends remind me that even though I may "feel" alone, I am not. Part of the reason I hold everything in is to not appear like I can't handle stuff, but also because the saying "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" really hits home. I am determined to enjoy this life I have, whatever the circumstances, but I am human. Every once in a while that little demon slips into my mind and has me wishing for an easier time. If I could just keep him at bay, I wouldn't even need to have my mini-meltdowns. :)
Now in other news...I have decided that this fabulously rainy Saturday afternoon has been given to me so I can catch up on my house work. I must embarrassingly admit, I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even felt like cleaning. (And we KNOW how much I love to do that!!!) I have kept up with the easy stuff, but the place needs a good dusting and mopping, that is for sure!! And everything I haven't felt like dealing with was just relocated to my bedroom. So I am going to get in there and make some serious progress today!! (Well, that's the game plan, anyway........)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I keep trying to write....
I keep trying to update my blog and I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I have a ton to say, but then I can't figure out exactly how to say it. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Then there are other days where I know what to say, and I type it out, then I delete it. Decide that it is not worth posting. I have no idea what my problem is lately.
I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.
I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.
This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.
The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....
I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.
I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.
This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.
The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thoughts for today...
Today is going to be a GREAT day!
Something GOOD is going to happen today.
God has FAVOR in my future.
Something GOOD is going to happen today.
God has FAVOR in my future.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I need a little reminder.
Things have been tough lately. Not going to elaborate, but also not going to sit here and lie and say things are peachy. Now, if I ran into you in person, I would do just that. I would smile, say I was fabulous, etc, etc... But here I can lose the outward exterior I feel I need to show the world because here is just for me. Yes, you may read it, but it's my area. :)
Because things have been so rough, I have been struggling to even stay afloat it seems. Daily tears, yelling, fighting, loss of patience with children are just some of the ways my frustration gets out. So I thought I needed a little reminder to refocus my self on what I feel is important. My New Years Resolution.
Because things have been so rough, I have been struggling to even stay afloat it seems. Daily tears, yelling, fighting, loss of patience with children are just some of the ways my frustration gets out. So I thought I needed a little reminder to refocus my self on what I feel is important. My New Years Resolution.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Errand day
Yesterday was errand running day. We started off first at Les Schwab. The car has been making this awful noise from the front end and we need it fixed. (Not so easy unemployed, however.) Les Schwab had a 2 hour wait!!! With two toddlers...forget it! However, the guy just said without even looking at it "well, it's the rack and pinion from the sounds of it." Les Schwab has told me my last 3 cars all needed a new rack and pinion, so needless to say I didn't put too much faith in the opinion. We ended up finding a different place to have them look at it. They said we need new ball joints and lower control arms. Woohoo!!! $850 we dont' have! However, there is a guy in Lenny's class who is helping with the brakes so the two of them may just tackle the ball joints and what not. Who knows. :) It will get fixed when it gets fixed.
The car shop did happen to be across the street from a Tuesday Morning, however, so while we were waiting we went over there. Such cute stuff!!!!! We did splurge and get the children two awesome books and I even got some scrapbooking stuff. (All for a grand total of $12. I love saving money!!) I even did a paper page last night. (I have to since Lenny doesn't give me enough time on computer to do a digital page!-- Sheesh!)
After they were done with the car we headed off to grocery shop. All four of us usually go. (It's our "compromise", though I would love the time alone.) To make sure to keep our grocery bill under control I plan out a week or so worth of meals to help me create my list. I am excited that I have so many new dinners on the list this next week and a half. Oh, and 3 of them are crockpot recipes, so I don't have to spend hours in the afternoon cooking. I'll definitely have to share how it goes!
The car shop did happen to be across the street from a Tuesday Morning, however, so while we were waiting we went over there. Such cute stuff!!!!! We did splurge and get the children two awesome books and I even got some scrapbooking stuff. (All for a grand total of $12. I love saving money!!) I even did a paper page last night. (I have to since Lenny doesn't give me enough time on computer to do a digital page!-- Sheesh!)
After they were done with the car we headed off to grocery shop. All four of us usually go. (It's our "compromise", though I would love the time alone.) To make sure to keep our grocery bill under control I plan out a week or so worth of meals to help me create my list. I am excited that I have so many new dinners on the list this next week and a half. Oh, and 3 of them are crockpot recipes, so I don't have to spend hours in the afternoon cooking. I'll definitely have to share how it goes!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Beach and more
Life has just been a little crazy right now. I feel like I never have enough time on the computer to actually sit down and type. I will do an "update" on life right now, then I am committing to keeping up on the blog to help my sanity again! :)
On the homefront Lenny still isn't working, but we are managing to get by without my going back to work. That is a blessing I am definitely grateful to the Lord for every single day! I am also thankful that I haven't wanted to strangle him very often! ;) Although he still does hog the computer AND the remote!!
The children are awesome. I just can not get over how "grown up" my Jazzie Mae is. I was watching her sleep last night and started crying. Tears of joy because she is so wonderful, but also tears of sadness that she is growing up so fast. She is just the most wonderful blessing ever. She has the biggest, purest heart, and is so polite and has such awesome manners. She loves everything and everybody, and gets her feelings hurt so very easily. And I can't even put into words how smart she is. I am so very proud of her!! She already talks about going to school everyday. And she has such a love of dancing. Everyday she puts on her ballet slippers and dances for me. I am doing everything I can to save money to enroll her in lessons when the studio takes in new toddlers at the summer session.
Isaac is just as wonderful. Thankfully the tantrums are slowly going away. And when he does have them they are shorter each time. He, too, is so very smart. Although he tends to surprise me. Jazmine was always counting, saying ABC's, pointing out colors and shapes, etc... But Isaac is just rough and tumble boy all the way and always acts like he isn't paying attention when I am trying to teach him. Then suddenly he starts singing ABC's or his states and I am just in awe. I guess because he doesn't do it very often, so when he shows off what he knows I am surprised he was actually listening. He is also so very polite with great manners. We were walking through WalMart the other day and he cut somebody off in the aisle, and looked up and said "excuse me, I'm sorry." The person was in complete shock! So cute hearing such politeness out of such a little guy! The other thing he is always doing is trying to be just as "grown up" as Sissy. The highchair has been gone for months, and he is already working on getting out of diapers. He also is always looking after Jazmine. He gets juice, and asks for some for her. Daddy hides something from her playing around, and he goes and finds it and gives it back to her. He may be the little brother, but I have a feeling he will be the protector in the very near future!
As for other things, we just got back from the Coast. This time we drove to the Southern Coastline. We spent time in Bandon, and Port Orford. The area is now officially my new favorite place to go here in Oregon. We spent hours and literally walked miles of coastline looking for stones and sealife. I found agates, opal, jade, coral, fossils, and gorgeous pieces of driftwood. We stumbled upon a family of stellar sealions just off shore, saw a whale spout, and searched through tidepools of sea anemones and starfish. It truly was refreshing for my soul.
My favorite little beach we found by accident in Port Orford had some sand, then a huge gravel bar. And the water dropped off so fast, that there were the biggest waves I had ever seen on the Oregon Coast. HUGE! You could literally sit down on the gravel bar and find precious stones and rocks right in your same spot for a good half hour or more before moving. It was so much fun! I have never "hunted" for some of natures treasures like that before and am hooked! I can't wait to go back. And I also can't wait to do some fun things with the goodies I got this trip! Here is a pic of my fav shells and driftwood I grabbed. The pics of the stones are proving a little difficult. I'll keep trying to get them in focus. I am determined to get back to that stretch of Coast as soon as I can!!
On the homefront Lenny still isn't working, but we are managing to get by without my going back to work. That is a blessing I am definitely grateful to the Lord for every single day! I am also thankful that I haven't wanted to strangle him very often! ;) Although he still does hog the computer AND the remote!!
The children are awesome. I just can not get over how "grown up" my Jazzie Mae is. I was watching her sleep last night and started crying. Tears of joy because she is so wonderful, but also tears of sadness that she is growing up so fast. She is just the most wonderful blessing ever. She has the biggest, purest heart, and is so polite and has such awesome manners. She loves everything and everybody, and gets her feelings hurt so very easily. And I can't even put into words how smart she is. I am so very proud of her!! She already talks about going to school everyday. And she has such a love of dancing. Everyday she puts on her ballet slippers and dances for me. I am doing everything I can to save money to enroll her in lessons when the studio takes in new toddlers at the summer session.
Isaac is just as wonderful. Thankfully the tantrums are slowly going away. And when he does have them they are shorter each time. He, too, is so very smart. Although he tends to surprise me. Jazmine was always counting, saying ABC's, pointing out colors and shapes, etc... But Isaac is just rough and tumble boy all the way and always acts like he isn't paying attention when I am trying to teach him. Then suddenly he starts singing ABC's or his states and I am just in awe. I guess because he doesn't do it very often, so when he shows off what he knows I am surprised he was actually listening. He is also so very polite with great manners. We were walking through WalMart the other day and he cut somebody off in the aisle, and looked up and said "excuse me, I'm sorry." The person was in complete shock! So cute hearing such politeness out of such a little guy! The other thing he is always doing is trying to be just as "grown up" as Sissy. The highchair has been gone for months, and he is already working on getting out of diapers. He also is always looking after Jazmine. He gets juice, and asks for some for her. Daddy hides something from her playing around, and he goes and finds it and gives it back to her. He may be the little brother, but I have a feeling he will be the protector in the very near future!
As for other things, we just got back from the Coast. This time we drove to the Southern Coastline. We spent time in Bandon, and Port Orford. The area is now officially my new favorite place to go here in Oregon. We spent hours and literally walked miles of coastline looking for stones and sealife. I found agates, opal, jade, coral, fossils, and gorgeous pieces of driftwood. We stumbled upon a family of stellar sealions just off shore, saw a whale spout, and searched through tidepools of sea anemones and starfish. It truly was refreshing for my soul.
My favorite little beach we found by accident in Port Orford had some sand, then a huge gravel bar. And the water dropped off so fast, that there were the biggest waves I had ever seen on the Oregon Coast. HUGE! You could literally sit down on the gravel bar and find precious stones and rocks right in your same spot for a good half hour or more before moving. It was so much fun! I have never "hunted" for some of natures treasures like that before and am hooked! I can't wait to go back. And I also can't wait to do some fun things with the goodies I got this trip! Here is a pic of my fav shells and driftwood I grabbed. The pics of the stones are proving a little difficult. I'll keep trying to get them in focus. I am determined to get back to that stretch of Coast as soon as I can!!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Song Lyrics
I have spent the last hour browsing a blog of an amazing family. (Thanks for the post about it, Helen.) Their little girl has just had a relapse of leukemia, yet they never lose their Faith in the Lord and His Plan. Please check it out and add them to your prayer list.
While I was there, I found these song lyrics that the mother had posted a while back and they just really said something to me, as I have been worrying more daily about protecting my children, so I thought I'd share....
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
~ Plumb
While I was there, I found these song lyrics that the mother had posted a while back and they just really said something to me, as I have been worrying more daily about protecting my children, so I thought I'd share....
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
~ Plumb
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Has it really been over a month?
I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. Since then, I am no longer working again, Jazmine turned 3, we spent a week at the ocean, Lenny isn't working, and we moved! *phew* I am tired just repeating it all!!
I honestly don't have anything exciting to write about. Doris is staying with us for one more week. She is waiting for her apartment to be ready. It really has been nice having the company, and I will miss her when she goes back to WA. Since Lenny isn't working, he of course, hogs the computer daily so even if I had anything to write about I wouldn't have time! ;) (For those wondering, he has moved up one space on the job list in the last 3 weeks...so he is 36th instead of 37th). I spend most days trying to find room for all the stuff I still have in boxes since I lost storage space in the move. And the children have been fighting like crazy. I feel like every time I turn around I am saying "stop screaming", "say sorry", "no hitting" or "no biting".
I guess that is all I really have for now. Here are a few pics of the new place, though.
I honestly don't have anything exciting to write about. Doris is staying with us for one more week. She is waiting for her apartment to be ready. It really has been nice having the company, and I will miss her when she goes back to WA. Since Lenny isn't working, he of course, hogs the computer daily so even if I had anything to write about I wouldn't have time! ;) (For those wondering, he has moved up one space on the job list in the last 3 weeks...so he is 36th instead of 37th). I spend most days trying to find room for all the stuff I still have in boxes since I lost storage space in the move. And the children have been fighting like crazy. I feel like every time I turn around I am saying "stop screaming", "say sorry", "no hitting" or "no biting".
I guess that is all I really have for now. Here are a few pics of the new place, though.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
2009 Resolutions (warning...long winded!)
It seems like every year I make some type of a resolution, only to not really end up following through. (I can only think of once that I actually completely accomplished my goal.) I love the idea of a New Year and a "fresh start", if you will. But the list of resolutions is not working for me, though I still want to better my family and myself with this upcoming year. For the past week or so I have been contemplating how I can do what I want to do and be successful. And all of this thinking has brought me back to the days when I was working and I had goals to set for an entire business that we needed to accomplish.
When it was time to set goals for my restaurant, I focused on what was referred to as the 80/20. What 20% of the things I wanted to work on would give me the biggest impact that would follow through to the other 80%? I started thinking of my life in that way and what I wanted to accomplish. What one or two (or even three) things could I focus on that would ultimately help me to accomplish MORE in this upcoming year and help me to be the better person I truly wanted to be WITHOUT setting too many goals and trying to work on too many things? Because the simple truth is that the more things you pile on your plate, the less thoroughly they all get taken care of.
Some of the things I want to accomplish this year include having more patience with the children. I want to remember that they are children and just let them "be" and not get so frustrated. Goofy, procrastinating, whatever it happens to be at that time. I also want to work on remembering that I am my own person, and to be happy for and with my family, I need to make sure I take care of me, too. I want to work on relationships with certain friends and loved ones. Some are thoroughly broken, some are slightly damaged, and some are only superficial, and there could be more depth to them. I want to remember to take time to find the joy in the journey and not always be so obsessed with what the end result of something is. And the last one I'll mention in my growing list is that I want to work on "Letting go and let God." I always try to control every detail of my and my families lives and try to fix and solve and even anticipate and figure out how I will solve every "potential" problem that may arise. I lose sleep, I stress, I don't eat, I make list after list, etc... I make plans and back up plans and then back up plans for my back up plans. It is exhausting!!
As you can see, I have quite the list of things that have crossed my mind that I would like improved. So I think it only made sense to try to figure out what REALISTICALLY I could work on that might hopefully impact the most things. And after a few days of contemplation, it hit me, and I couldn't believe that I didn't see it before. God. Improving my relationship with Him would flow into each and every aspect of what I talked about.
Not too long after getting pregnant with Jazmine (who was a planned pregnancy) the "world" fell out from under us, so to speak. We thought we were finally back up on our feet after a few years of serious struggling, so we decided to start a family, and then everything crumbled again. My faith at that time kept me positive, it helped keep my husband positive, and it kept us happy. Without my faith I am not sure what would of been, and I am not sure I want to know. However, somewhere in the middle of trying to run mine and my children's lives since then, I forgot that I am not the one that needs to be in control. I am fickle, I guess you could say, in letting God be in control. I do everything I can all by myself these days, and only stop to pray and ask for help from Him when I am about to be crushed by the burdens I am carrying. We still have been going to church because we found one that we love here in town, but I don't feel the connection with the Lord I once felt.
My resolution for 2009 is to work on my faith and trust in the Lord. I want to truly let him into my life and to STAY in control in my life. So though I am not a new believer, and have been raised in a Christian home and gone to church most of my life, I have made a point to ask the Lord into my life once more. I want to reopen my heart to Him. I feel a passion again that has been missing for a little while.
Asking Him back into my life will help me to start being a better person. It will help me with patience, it will help me with love and understanding in my other relationships, it will make it easier to be willing to stand back and let Him steer my life. I will hopefully be able to realize that He has a plan, though it may not always seem apparent to me, and I just need to TRUST.
So after many days of contemplating, after writing list after list after list, and after typing my longest entry in my blog EVER, I have realized the ONE thing that will give me the biggest impact. The ONE thing that will help me to make the most out of this year without overloading myself. Through the Lord I can improve all I hope to improve.
When it was time to set goals for my restaurant, I focused on what was referred to as the 80/20. What 20% of the things I wanted to work on would give me the biggest impact that would follow through to the other 80%? I started thinking of my life in that way and what I wanted to accomplish. What one or two (or even three) things could I focus on that would ultimately help me to accomplish MORE in this upcoming year and help me to be the better person I truly wanted to be WITHOUT setting too many goals and trying to work on too many things? Because the simple truth is that the more things you pile on your plate, the less thoroughly they all get taken care of.
Some of the things I want to accomplish this year include having more patience with the children. I want to remember that they are children and just let them "be" and not get so frustrated. Goofy, procrastinating, whatever it happens to be at that time. I also want to work on remembering that I am my own person, and to be happy for and with my family, I need to make sure I take care of me, too. I want to work on relationships with certain friends and loved ones. Some are thoroughly broken, some are slightly damaged, and some are only superficial, and there could be more depth to them. I want to remember to take time to find the joy in the journey and not always be so obsessed with what the end result of something is. And the last one I'll mention in my growing list is that I want to work on "Letting go and let God." I always try to control every detail of my and my families lives and try to fix and solve and even anticipate and figure out how I will solve every "potential" problem that may arise. I lose sleep, I stress, I don't eat, I make list after list, etc... I make plans and back up plans and then back up plans for my back up plans. It is exhausting!!
As you can see, I have quite the list of things that have crossed my mind that I would like improved. So I think it only made sense to try to figure out what REALISTICALLY I could work on that might hopefully impact the most things. And after a few days of contemplation, it hit me, and I couldn't believe that I didn't see it before. God. Improving my relationship with Him would flow into each and every aspect of what I talked about.
Not too long after getting pregnant with Jazmine (who was a planned pregnancy) the "world" fell out from under us, so to speak. We thought we were finally back up on our feet after a few years of serious struggling, so we decided to start a family, and then everything crumbled again. My faith at that time kept me positive, it helped keep my husband positive, and it kept us happy. Without my faith I am not sure what would of been, and I am not sure I want to know. However, somewhere in the middle of trying to run mine and my children's lives since then, I forgot that I am not the one that needs to be in control. I am fickle, I guess you could say, in letting God be in control. I do everything I can all by myself these days, and only stop to pray and ask for help from Him when I am about to be crushed by the burdens I am carrying. We still have been going to church because we found one that we love here in town, but I don't feel the connection with the Lord I once felt.
My resolution for 2009 is to work on my faith and trust in the Lord. I want to truly let him into my life and to STAY in control in my life. So though I am not a new believer, and have been raised in a Christian home and gone to church most of my life, I have made a point to ask the Lord into my life once more. I want to reopen my heart to Him. I feel a passion again that has been missing for a little while.
Asking Him back into my life will help me to start being a better person. It will help me with patience, it will help me with love and understanding in my other relationships, it will make it easier to be willing to stand back and let Him steer my life. I will hopefully be able to realize that He has a plan, though it may not always seem apparent to me, and I just need to TRUST.
So after many days of contemplating, after writing list after list after list, and after typing my longest entry in my blog EVER, I have realized the ONE thing that will give me the biggest impact. The ONE thing that will help me to make the most out of this year without overloading myself. Through the Lord I can improve all I hope to improve.
A look back at 2008
As the New Year really gets going this week, I decided I wanted to take a look back on what 2008 was like.
~We moved from Washington (where we had been all our lives) to Oregon
~Jazmine turned two and Isaac turned one.
~Isaac started walking and talking and Jazmine suddenly turned from my baby girl to a little girl
~Got reconnected with friends from highschool
~Found a new church we fell in love with
~Left both Isaac and Jazmine in daycare at the church for the first time ever
~Formed new friendships and really started to turn Salem into our "home"
~Spent the summer with family visiting us
~I started working again, but am lucky enough to be able to still keep the children with me
~Took the children to the Pumpkin Patch for the first time...also my first time since I was old enough to remember
~The children went Trick-or-Treating for the first time (Isaac as a pumpkin, Jaz as a bumblebee)
~Elected a new President that I am so very excited and passionate about for the first time since I was old enough to vote
~Had our first Thanksgiving in Oregon at Lenny's cousin's house
~Planned on having our first ever Christmas without tons of family around
~Had a huge winter storm that had us without power for days, so we spent Christmas with friends and it was wonderful
I am excited to see what 2009 will bring. The last year had plenty of challenges and heartbreak, like I think almost every year usually holds in store, but maybe, just maybe, 2009 will have a few less. :)
~We moved from Washington (where we had been all our lives) to Oregon
~Jazmine turned two and Isaac turned one.
~Isaac started walking and talking and Jazmine suddenly turned from my baby girl to a little girl
~Got reconnected with friends from highschool
~Found a new church we fell in love with
~Left both Isaac and Jazmine in daycare at the church for the first time ever
~Formed new friendships and really started to turn Salem into our "home"
~Spent the summer with family visiting us
~I started working again, but am lucky enough to be able to still keep the children with me
~Took the children to the Pumpkin Patch for the first time...also my first time since I was old enough to remember
~The children went Trick-or-Treating for the first time (Isaac as a pumpkin, Jaz as a bumblebee)
~Elected a new President that I am so very excited and passionate about for the first time since I was old enough to vote
~Had our first Thanksgiving in Oregon at Lenny's cousin's house
~Planned on having our first ever Christmas without tons of family around
~Had a huge winter storm that had us without power for days, so we spent Christmas with friends and it was wonderful
I am excited to see what 2009 will bring. The last year had plenty of challenges and heartbreak, like I think almost every year usually holds in store, but maybe, just maybe, 2009 will have a few less. :)
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