Today is the 45th Anniversary of his "I Have a Dream" speech. I just thought I would share. My children may not be if it weren't for the progress MLK helped pave the way for, and this nation may just very well be an entirely different nation if it weren't for him. Ordinary people doing Extraordinary things.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Life is precious....
I started to type a post about how the last few days have been and just some silly ramblings. However, I just learned that a friend of a friend of mine just lost her partner, best friend, and father of her child. At the age of 28. And it all seems so irrelevant now.
My heart is breaking. I can feel an emptiness in the depth of my soul and I don't even know these people. It is a reminder that life is so very precious, and often times too short. There are so many things I am thinking that I wish I could share here but can't. But I will say this.... Cherish those in your life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't risk waking up tomorrow and having to live with the "if only I'd told them". Apologize, forgive, admit when you are wrong, laugh, love...create memories. And do not settle. Do not settle for anything in life. Whether it's love, career, family...go after your dreams. Don't plan on "tomorrow" always being there. Because it may not be.
My heart is breaking. I can feel an emptiness in the depth of my soul and I don't even know these people. It is a reminder that life is so very precious, and often times too short. There are so many things I am thinking that I wish I could share here but can't. But I will say this.... Cherish those in your life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't risk waking up tomorrow and having to live with the "if only I'd told them". Apologize, forgive, admit when you are wrong, laugh, love...create memories. And do not settle. Do not settle for anything in life. Whether it's love, career, family...go after your dreams. Don't plan on "tomorrow" always being there. Because it may not be.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Worthless
Yesterday was not the best day. Jazmine was full on in "Terrible 2" mode throwing temper tantrums ALL afternoon. Isaac is cutting 3 more molars so he was crying ALL afternoon.
Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.
It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.
Then I had the pleasure of hearing someone tell me that I was a worthless good for nothing piece of shit that could do nothing right. I was never going to be good at anything or good for anything. Over and over and over they said it. Worthless. No good. Can never do anything right.
It hurt. Like hell. I cried. More than I normally ever allow myself to cry. I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Been up since 4:30 this morning. It's crazy how painful words from a loved one can hurt so very bad. I think getting the crap beat out of me would of hurt less. But I am not worthless. And one day...that person who hurt me....will regret it. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Either way...it's not worth me losing sleep over. It isn't important any more. All that matters is what I think and my children think. I have finally figured that out.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Olympic Lip Syncing
Yesterday the fact that the little girl in the Opening Ceremonies was not really singing was broadcast over and over on the news. I am deeply bothered by that. Not really so much for the girl who was part of the ceremony. But for the girl who was deemed "not suitable for TV". Are you kidding me??
I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.
I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.
Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.
I understand it's the Olympics. And it's a HUGE deal to have a beautiful enough voice for China to want the whole world to hear it. But then to not even give the singing girl the recognition? To tell a child they aren't cute enough to be on TV?? As a parent...how are you okay with that for your child?? But then I guess it is a girl...and most girls are killed or abandoned or dropped off at orphanages anyway, so maybe it's not that big of a deal to tell your child she's not good enough.
I just can't wrap my mind around that. I don't understand. I am trying. I try as part of being "open-minded" to different cultures and ways of life. But the mother in me doesn't let me understand. I could never intentionally hurt my child in that way.
Everyday my children hear how fabulous they are. They hear that they are smart, handsome, pretty, great singers, great dancers, so lovable, that they can do anything they set their minds to and anything they want, they hear that they are the best kids in the world. I couldn't agree to something like that. But like I said...I am also not of that culture so I can not completely think in the same way and follow the same thought process. But no matter what...it really bothers me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Dreams
What is it about dreams?
I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.
But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........
I refuse to ever really have a breakdown. Don't have time. When something happens that would normally cause someone to have a little breakdown, I take about three to five minutes to temporarily panic, stress, cry or whatever. Then that's it. Suck it in, lock it up, get practical. Put on the smile. Is it healthy? Well, probably not. But currently it works for me. I keep busy during the day to keep those feelings locked away. I try to not let them surface. If they do, I take a deep breath a push them away.
But there is something about dreams. What you lock away surfaces. And you wake and it's so real. A voice. A touch. A smell. A feeling. It's like you are actually right there in that moment again. Would the dreams be less vivid if everything wasn't locked up tight? Would the dreams be gentler on my soul if I allowed myself my righteous breakdown? One of these days maybe I'll find out. Until then.........
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Cocoa
Yesterday was a tough day. Not that many people know, but we have a couple ferrets. I get tired of "explaining" about them to ignorant people who know nothing about what wonderful creatures they are, since they are so sure they are dirty and stink and bite, etc. , so I just normally don't mention anything. They are ours. We love them. And they are fabulous, loving (and surprisingly clean) pets. We have had them for about 4 years.
Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.
I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.
After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.
I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.
I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.
Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this last week, but I was spoon feeding her food and water every few hours since she wouldn't eat on her own, and by Saturday she had started playing again and looked to be on the mend. We were very excited, thinking our prayers had been answered. Sunday evening she took a turn for the worse and even stopped eating entirely, though I was able to get a little water into her. I spent the day yesterday with her trying to get food and water into her, cuddling her, and tracking down a vet to take her to. As soon as Lenny pulled into the parking lot the children, Cocoa, and I were outside, into the car, and on our way to the Vet. We had to drive all the way to Lake Oswego (which is just outside Portland) but I was told she was the best ferret vet in the area.
I held Cocoa in my lap the entire drive, petting her, and even continuing to try to at least get her to drink. About 5 minutes away from the clinic I looked down and she was no longer breathing. I kept watching her the entire time to be sure she was okay, so when I looked down must of been almost as soon as she stopped breathing. I knew she had passed away right there in my lap 5 fricken minutes from the doctor, but when we got to the clinic I still had them look at her. There was nothing they could do.
After saying my goodbyes, I walked back out to the car where Lenny had been waiting with the children. Jazmine, who had been helping me take care of Cocoa all week, asked where she was. She knew I walked in the door with Cocoa, but not back out. I did my best to wipe my tears and hid them and then we told her she was now with Jesus and wouldn't be coming home with us. It was Jesus's turn to play with her. She said "okay" but I know she didn't understand. She even said her name in her sleep last night.
I feel so guilty because maybe if we had taken her to the vet as soon as she started getting sick, maybe something would of changed. But we were doing everything for her they told us to do, and she even started looking better. I know I can't beat myself up over "what ifs" but it's hard not to. It will take quite awhile to get over the thought that if we had insisted she go to the vet, maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't of happened. I guess I'll never know for sure. But at least I was cuddling her and she wasn't trapped in some stupid cage.
I miss her already. I kept dreaming about her. And I don't want to go through this again. But I know I will.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Another year begins...
Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Wowza!! That is hard to say. It's crazy because if I look at where I thought I would be by 32, compared to where I actually am, I should be totally depressed. I was going to have a great career, own a home that is well decorated, travel, still be thin (LOL) and have money in the bank.
I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....
But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.
I am not employed (will be soon, though, but still...) in debt, don't have a car, fat, looks have faded, shouldn't wear shirts without a bra anymore, closet full of clothes that no longer fit, renting an apartment, hardly any furniture, etc, etc, etc....
But I have my children. The most wonderful children in the entire world. And if I had to choose between my children, or being where I thought I would be by this age.... I'll take my fabulous children any day.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Creature of habit
Isn't it funny how our bodies get "trained"?
Now, don't yell at me, but Lenny can NOT wake up to an alarm clock. Just does not happen. He doesn't hear it. So my routine is that I wake up, get some coffee, spend a couple minutes relaxing, then wake him up. When he was here in Salem, he didn't need to get up until 6:30. So I woke up at 6:15. After a couple weeks, I always woke up before the alarm clock. He is working in Lebanon now, which is a 38 mile commute, so he is up at 5:55 to be out the door by 6:10. I am finally starting to get used to getting up at 5:45, but the first couple days were so hard! But by 6:15 (what had been my wake up time) I am ready to conquer the world. And then today I noticed that by 6 I was ready to go. Slowly training my body to be up. I like that it's so easy for me to be such a morning person, but for the life of me I can never sleep in. If I sleep until 7 I feel like I wasted my entire morning!
It's kind of crazy, how I like to be spontaneous, yet at the same time I take such comfort in my routines. I guess I just easily can go with the flow. If something comes up at the last second, I love it and am perfectly adaptable. Otherwise, I stick to my schedule.
From the time Lenny leaves at 6:10 until 7:30 is "my" time. I watch the news, drink my coffee, and mess around on the computer. After 7:30 is an unknown. It all depends on when the children wake up. From 11-12, I get a little more time to myself, with Jazmine watching her show and resting, Isaac napping, and me messing around on Photoshop or something (while watching my show). Soon as Isaac wakes up it's lunch time then we are typically out the door. A walk to the park, the store, or just playing outside. By 3 we are back inside and I start working on dinner while cleaning up the house. The kids are usually playing in their room, or destroying what I have just cleaned. :) Lenny is home at 4:15, he takes the children back outside to play for a few minutes while I finish dinner, then it's time to eat. After dinner, it's more play time with the children. Baths around 7:00, bedtime about 8:30. Once the children are asleep, kitchen gets cleaned, living room and bathroom get cleaned back up, and by 10 it's "me" time again. I usually like to spend a half hour to hour watching some TV or reading before going to bed by 11.
It is tough going to bed at 11, getting up with Isaac every hour or two, and then getting up in the morning by 5:45, but my "me" time is so important, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to get it!
Now, don't yell at me, but Lenny can NOT wake up to an alarm clock. Just does not happen. He doesn't hear it. So my routine is that I wake up, get some coffee, spend a couple minutes relaxing, then wake him up. When he was here in Salem, he didn't need to get up until 6:30. So I woke up at 6:15. After a couple weeks, I always woke up before the alarm clock. He is working in Lebanon now, which is a 38 mile commute, so he is up at 5:55 to be out the door by 6:10. I am finally starting to get used to getting up at 5:45, but the first couple days were so hard! But by 6:15 (what had been my wake up time) I am ready to conquer the world. And then today I noticed that by 6 I was ready to go. Slowly training my body to be up. I like that it's so easy for me to be such a morning person, but for the life of me I can never sleep in. If I sleep until 7 I feel like I wasted my entire morning!
It's kind of crazy, how I like to be spontaneous, yet at the same time I take such comfort in my routines. I guess I just easily can go with the flow. If something comes up at the last second, I love it and am perfectly adaptable. Otherwise, I stick to my schedule.
From the time Lenny leaves at 6:10 until 7:30 is "my" time. I watch the news, drink my coffee, and mess around on the computer. After 7:30 is an unknown. It all depends on when the children wake up. From 11-12, I get a little more time to myself, with Jazmine watching her show and resting, Isaac napping, and me messing around on Photoshop or something (while watching my show). Soon as Isaac wakes up it's lunch time then we are typically out the door. A walk to the park, the store, or just playing outside. By 3 we are back inside and I start working on dinner while cleaning up the house. The kids are usually playing in their room, or destroying what I have just cleaned. :) Lenny is home at 4:15, he takes the children back outside to play for a few minutes while I finish dinner, then it's time to eat. After dinner, it's more play time with the children. Baths around 7:00, bedtime about 8:30. Once the children are asleep, kitchen gets cleaned, living room and bathroom get cleaned back up, and by 10 it's "me" time again. I usually like to spend a half hour to hour watching some TV or reading before going to bed by 11.
It is tough going to bed at 11, getting up with Isaac every hour or two, and then getting up in the morning by 5:45, but my "me" time is so important, I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to get it!
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