Today is the day!!!

My "baby" is ONE!! I can't believe how fast the time has flown. It seems like yesterday that I was amazed over his first smile, and celebrating rolling over. I remember I had these SAME feelings on Jazmine's birthday, too. It's funny because they say that these milestones are the hardest with your first child and your last. Well, all I have is my first and last. Unless something MONUMENTAL changes in my life....Isaac is my last little baby! Besides, I have two of the most wonderful, loving, well natured children in the world. Why push my luck? ;)

We have visitors coming in tonight. Lenny's mom, his sister Kristi, and his two nieces. I am excited for the company, but of course I have been cleaning all day!! Not that there is really anything that NEEDS cleaned. I am just me! And since today is Isaac's birthday, and we will have so many visitors, I am decided to do an impromptu party. I already had been planning on a party next month, but what harm can a second party do??

On a side note, I have been feeling like my brain is rotting away lately. Back when I was working, my brain was always challenged. I love staying home with the kids, but some days I do feel under stimulated. To remedy feeling this way I have been doing things like watching CNN and all the political coverage, doing Sodoku puzzles from the time the kids go to bed until I go to bed, making a home budgeting program in Excel, even though I can download a million free ones any time I want. I was even trying to help our neighbor find the discrepancies in her books for the apt complex. Whatever I can do. Its helping me feel a little better. I don't feel as much like my brain has rotted!

I hate my body

I am so over it!! I hate it. I cry almost every day!! And this past weekend was REALLY bad!! It was 95-100 degrees out for the last 4 days. And all I had that fit me was jeans and a couple t-shirts. Now, I doubt I would of worn shorts in public being this fat, but at least around the house I could of. But nope. I have nothing that fits for summer clothes. Another reminder that I am a big huge fat slob!!!!

I have been living on caffeine, all natural diet pills and salad and veggies. I exercise (only in the apartment) everyday. I hardly every sit down hoping that whatever I do will burn an extra calorie or two. (Even now I am standing typing this stepping side to side to keep moving.) I am at the point where I honestly don't know what else to do. I REFUSE to accept looking like this. I hate myself right now. I hate looking in the mirror. Being fat and ugly is ruining my mood lately. And I am normally in a good mood. But it's getting to me. I don't know how much longer I can keep a smile on my face or just make jokes or PRETEND I am okay with how I look. I am not okay with it.

And I am obsessed with the scale. I step on it probably 5 times a day. And it NEVER changes. Not up, not down....just stays the same. Its so hard to keep the motivation to keep dieting and exercising when there is not a single pound lost in return. But I keep doing it. To keep failing. But I keep doing it anyway.

I am not asking to be a size zero again. I am not. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not be embarrassed to go out in public, and not hate myself.

Go Whitney!!!!

So yes, I admit it, I watch America's Next Top Model. It's one of those shows where I like to watch it when I can, but I don't go out of my way to watch it like I do for Grey's Anatomy. Last night, though, I did make an extra effort because it was the season finale. And I have to say "Way to Go" to the winner Whitney. She is the first "Full Figured" model to make it into the final, yet alone to actually win. I was very excited to see her win!!!

Prior to getting pregnant with Jazmine was really the first time I was finally comfortable with my body. But the sad part is I barely broke the scales at 100 lbs. Post pregnancy body was another hurdle to overcome, but just about the time I got pregnant with Isaac I was starting to get comfortable with how I looked again. Now, the post Isaac pregnancy body I am so disgusted with I can barely look in the mirror long enough to straighten my hair or put makeup on for church.

So it was nice to see someone win something that was based on beauty in an industry where a size 6 is asking for someone to tell you that you are too fat. It was a reminder that though I may not be happy with how I look, I really am "average". And hopefully someday soon I can be happy with that.

5 minutes is all I'm allowed

Yesterday I gave myself 5 minutes to cry, freak out, and have a panic attack. Then that was it. Time to get to figuring things out. With the state of the economy (have I said Thank You, President Bush??) everyone is tightening down on money. Well, Lenny is a construction electrician, and there is no new construction going on around here right now. No money for it. Buildings that are in the middle of being built are just sitting there and I haven't seen workers there in over 2 months. Three people from his company on his current job site have already been laid off this week. If we make it through tomorrow without a slip, we know we have at least one more week. I have put it into God's hands. However, I have also taken it into my own hands because that is what I do.

I emailed an old contact from back in the day, filled him in on what is going on, and all I have to do is say the word and I could start work tomorrow. I told him that I will only need work if Lenny gets laid off, and he said no problem. Whatever I need. Whenever I need it. It's nice to know that I was such a valued worker that even 5 years after leaving the company I can still get the all star treatment. Now lets just hope I don't have to go back, and when I start working it will be on my terms and because I want to!!

I'm good! How are you?

I wonder how many people do that. Say they are always okay. That's me. I do that. All the time. "How are you?" "I'm great, how about you??" It's only once in awhile someone will hear me say that I am not okay. It makes me wonder how many people really have that great of lives versus how many people will make it a good day despite what is going on versus those people that are just hiding behind the words.

I do it for a few different reasons. For starters, I am determined to be okay despite what is going on. I CHOOSE to be in a good mood and to be happy. Another reason is that numerous people are going through more than I am. So who am I to complain? I could be worse. Another is that I just don't want people to know. It's my business, not theirs. And lastly, because if I actually say things out loud to someone else, I may just be crushed under the weight of the burden and sorrow. Just thinking about it right now I physically feel the weight on my heart. So I don't think about it. I'm great.

I truly am happy everyday. And I am good when you ask. But for the wrong reasons. I am working on being happy for the right reasons. I am working on being okay because I trust in God's plan for me and trust that He will not give me more than I can handle. Instead of happy just because I choose to be. And there is a different feeling in my heart between those two types of happiness. One is just a happiness. The other is a happiness with a sense of peace.

Yikes!!

I did it. I updated and sent out my resume. I have so many mixed emotions about it. The only reason I even bothered to send it out is because it's a restaurant that is only open Monday to Friday for lunch and dinner. Those are practically impossible hours to find in the restaurant industry, but perfect to have a decent family life. And it isn't an immediate opening. They are looking to hire one manager in three months and another in six months. Since you never know what the future holds I figure no harm in throwing my name and experience out there. We will see how it goes.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was a good day. For the first time since we have moved here, I went to church by myself with the children. Lenny always comes too, but yesterday was the first day he missed. It's probably good he missed it, actually. He would of been bored.

Our usual pastor is awesome. And he is so funny. I love being able to go to church and laugh until I have tears in my eyes and then leave feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the week. I also learn. And I enjoy that. Currently we are in the middle of going over the Ten Commandments. However he is putting a different spin on it. In my past church experiences, the Commandments have been portrayed as being put in place by an angry God who was mad that we had fallen so far from Him. However, our pastor is showing how the Commandments have actually come from God's love for us. I am really enjoying this series. Anyway, this week we covered "Honor thy father and thy mother". And the sermon was given by the ladies pastor.

Her message was very emotional, and I know that Lenny would not of really enjoyed it as much as I, so I am kind of glad he stayed home. I cried a few different times during her message. She talked about the "weightiness" of the parent/child relationship. She talked about how that relationship can be one of our biggest sources of happiness, yet it is also the relationship that can hurt us the most. She said she was actually praying for guidance because she had no idea how she was supposed to tell the girl whose father molested her and the little boy who watched his mother drive off never to return to him to honor their parents. But the answer was that if you give your pain and burdens to God, He will carry them for you. And if you give God the pain from those relationships, you will then be able to honor your parents because that is what God wants you to do. I thought it was interesting. But another twist she put on the sermon is what really got to me.

She talked about the weight of the responsibility of being a parent. And even now just thinking about it, I can physically feel that weight. I have two human beings whom I am responsible for. Not just to feed, cloth, and make sure they get an education. I am responsible for the PEOPLE they turn out to be. I will shape their CHARACTER. By the things I say and do, by the things that I expect of them, and by the people and experiences I expose them to. And depending on what type of a role model I am, they will either go along with what I am trying to do, or rebel against it. That is HUGE! And scary. But she talked about how God knows that the true weight of being a parent will crush us if we don't ask him to carry the load for us. He never intended for us to do it alone. That really hit home with me.

I have many, many, good days with the children. In fact, more often than not, I think I am a decent parent. But there are days that I am so stressed and tired and out of patience. And on those days I try not to , but I end up taking it out on the children. I snap at them for making a mess or getting into something they shouldn't, instead of laughing and realizing it's not that big of a deal. I get frustrated that Isaac won't stop crying from teething so bad, instead of trying to realize how much pain he is in. I get irritated with Jazmine for doing what she wants when she wants instead of just realizing she is just trying to exercise independence and figure out who "she" is. And after listening to Valerie's message yesterday, I realize that I am not giving it to God. I am trying to do it alone. And I can't. This is just the beginning of my journey with the children. I need to learn to give up control to God now, because otherwise I will never survive the road ahead. My children are truly the best people ever. They have amazing spirits. They are happy and loving and trusting, and they adore me. I need to put God in control so my stress doesn't crush that spirit in them or ruin their faith in me. That is my biggest fear. I want them to continue to grow up being as happy and well adjusted as they are right now.

Then, of course, the sermon just got me thinking about my life in general. I can't do everything alone. I am not superwoman, though I do try my hardest. I do not like having to depend on others. They always let me down. If I only depend on myself, then if I let myself down, oh'well. At least that won't hurt. But I can't be that way. I need to let go of it. Pray and trust in God. And I have been better with that. There are parts of my life that I have almost completely let go of. I trust that God is in control. But there are a couple things that I have not given to him. Partially because it has to do with my heart. However, I need to give those things to him. For my own well-being. And how am I supposed to teach the children to trust in God's plan, if I only partially trust in it myself????

Nice little fairy tale

I saw this posted by a friend on one of the forums I like and I had to share. Some days (today being one of them) it's nice to day dream. :)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said:'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had
all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem , never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

And she lived happily ever after.

What is left...

What do we have left when Hope is gone???

Having second thoughts...

I decided to start this to keep track of some of my own thoughts, feelings, goings on, etc... I ADORE my children more than anything in the world, but some days I am afraid I am losing me. So I thought I'd try to do a better job balancing Jenn the person with Jenn the mom. But now I am having second thoughts. Who really wants to read my ramblings anyway?? And does that make me selfish?? Anyway, I'll keep this for a little bit and see if I like it.