Norma!

What a wonderful week last week!! It has been a crazy busy last couple weeks with Lenny's mom coming to visit for a week, 4th of July, the Fair, Lenny's uncle visiting, my mom coming, and then last week...NORMA was here. :) I have not seen her in 15 years no thanks to some so called "family". And it was awesome! I have missed her so much, and to finally sit around and just talk, and see her little girl was awesome! She even brought her two wonderful nieces with her. They are all truly amazing girls. We hung out a little, and went camping. The weather was perfect (well, okay, it was a little hot...LOL) the children had a blast playing and swimming, we all hung around talking and laughing, and even played some Monopoly. It was definitely a time to cherish. Hopefully she is headed back here soon!!!

4 years

Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. Some days it feels like way longer than that, and other days it seems way shorter than that. We swore the day we got married that we'd have an actual ceremony with friends and family "one day very soon". Well, that obviously hasn't happened, but instead we have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world!! There have been wonderful times, and days when all either of us wanted was OUT. But no matter what we still have not given up. And trust me, the tough times still keep piling up, but things are truly trying to get better. Hopefully just means a stronger foundation in the long run!!!

Rainy Saturday Morning

For starters, let me send tons of love and thank you's to Ame, Brandi, and Erika!! I love you girls!!! Thanks for being there!!!

I think the other day was my "bottom" that I hit. I have felt much better the last couple days. I think my biggest problem is that I hold so much in. Everything. So it gets to me. As soon as I have a meltdown, get something off my chest, etc... I always feel a ton better. I think that may of been just what I needed. And then I had my fabulous friends remind me that even though I may "feel" alone, I am not. Part of the reason I hold everything in is to not appear like I can't handle stuff, but also because the saying "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" really hits home. I am determined to enjoy this life I have, whatever the circumstances, but I am human. Every once in a while that little demon slips into my mind and has me wishing for an easier time. If I could just keep him at bay, I wouldn't even need to have my mini-meltdowns. :)

Now in other news...I have decided that this fabulously rainy Saturday afternoon has been given to me so I can catch up on my house work. I must embarrassingly admit, I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even felt like cleaning. (And we KNOW how much I love to do that!!!) I have kept up with the easy stuff, but the place needs a good dusting and mopping, that is for sure!! And everything I haven't felt like dealing with was just relocated to my bedroom. So I am going to get in there and make some serious progress today!! (Well, that's the game plan, anyway........)

I keep trying to write....

I keep trying to update my blog and I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I have a ton to say, but then I can't figure out exactly how to say it. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Then there are other days where I know what to say, and I type it out, then I delete it. Decide that it is not worth posting. I have no idea what my problem is lately.

I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.

I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.

This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.

The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....

Thoughts for today...

Today is going to be a GREAT day!

Something GOOD is going to happen today.

God has FAVOR in my future.

I need a little reminder.

Things have been tough lately. Not going to elaborate, but also not going to sit here and lie and say things are peachy. Now, if I ran into you in person, I would do just that. I would smile, say I was fabulous, etc, etc... But here I can lose the outward exterior I feel I need to show the world because here is just for me. Yes, you may read it, but it's my area. :)

Because things have been so rough, I have been struggling to even stay afloat it seems. Daily tears, yelling, fighting, loss of patience with children are just some of the ways my frustration gets out. So I thought I needed a little reminder to refocus my self on what I feel is important. My New Years Resolution.

Errand day

Yesterday was errand running day. We started off first at Les Schwab. The car has been making this awful noise from the front end and we need it fixed. (Not so easy unemployed, however.) Les Schwab had a 2 hour wait!!! With two toddlers...forget it! However, the guy just said without even looking at it "well, it's the rack and pinion from the sounds of it." Les Schwab has told me my last 3 cars all needed a new rack and pinion, so needless to say I didn't put too much faith in the opinion. We ended up finding a different place to have them look at it. They said we need new ball joints and lower control arms. Woohoo!!! $850 we dont' have! However, there is a guy in Lenny's class who is helping with the brakes so the two of them may just tackle the ball joints and what not. Who knows. :) It will get fixed when it gets fixed.

The car shop did happen to be across the street from a Tuesday Morning, however, so while we were waiting we went over there. Such cute stuff!!!!! We did splurge and get the children two awesome books and I even got some scrapbooking stuff. (All for a grand total of $12. I love saving money!!) I even did a paper page last night. (I have to since Lenny doesn't give me enough time on computer to do a digital page!-- Sheesh!)

After they were done with the car we headed off to grocery shop. All four of us usually go. (It's our "compromise", though I would love the time alone.) To make sure to keep our grocery bill under control I plan out a week or so worth of meals to help me create my list. I am excited that I have so many new dinners on the list this next week and a half. Oh, and 3 of them are crockpot recipes, so I don't have to spend hours in the afternoon cooking. I'll definitely have to share how it goes!

Beach and more

Life has just been a little crazy right now. I feel like I never have enough time on the computer to actually sit down and type. I will do an "update" on life right now, then I am committing to keeping up on the blog to help my sanity again! :)

On the homefront Lenny still isn't working, but we are managing to get by without my going back to work. That is a blessing I am definitely grateful to the Lord for every single day! I am also thankful that I haven't wanted to strangle him very often! ;) Although he still does hog the computer AND the remote!!

The children are awesome. I just can not get over how "grown up" my Jazzie Mae is. I was watching her sleep last night and started crying. Tears of joy because she is so wonderful, but also tears of sadness that she is growing up so fast. She is just the most wonderful blessing ever. She has the biggest, purest heart, and is so polite and has such awesome manners. She loves everything and everybody, and gets her feelings hurt so very easily. And I can't even put into words how smart she is. I am so very proud of her!! She already talks about going to school everyday. And she has such a love of dancing. Everyday she puts on her ballet slippers and dances for me. I am doing everything I can to save money to enroll her in lessons when the studio takes in new toddlers at the summer session.

Isaac is just as wonderful. Thankfully the tantrums are slowly going away. And when he does have them they are shorter each time. He, too, is so very smart. Although he tends to surprise me. Jazmine was always counting, saying ABC's, pointing out colors and shapes, etc... But Isaac is just rough and tumble boy all the way and always acts like he isn't paying attention when I am trying to teach him. Then suddenly he starts singing ABC's or his states and I am just in awe. I guess because he doesn't do it very often, so when he shows off what he knows I am surprised he was actually listening. He is also so very polite with great manners. We were walking through WalMart the other day and he cut somebody off in the aisle, and looked up and said "excuse me, I'm sorry." The person was in complete shock! So cute hearing such politeness out of such a little guy! The other thing he is always doing is trying to be just as "grown up" as Sissy. The highchair has been gone for months, and he is already working on getting out of diapers. He also is always looking after Jazmine. He gets juice, and asks for some for her. Daddy hides something from her playing around, and he goes and finds it and gives it back to her. He may be the little brother, but I have a feeling he will be the protector in the very near future!

As for other things, we just got back from the Coast. This time we drove to the Southern Coastline. We spent time in Bandon, and Port Orford. The area is now officially my new favorite place to go here in Oregon. We spent hours and literally walked miles of coastline looking for stones and sealife. I found agates, opal, jade, coral, fossils, and gorgeous pieces of driftwood. We stumbled upon a family of stellar sealions just off shore, saw a whale spout, and searched through tidepools of sea anemones and starfish. It truly was refreshing for my soul.

My favorite little beach we found by accident in Port Orford had some sand, then a huge gravel bar. And the water dropped off so fast, that there were the biggest waves I had ever seen on the Oregon Coast. HUGE! You could literally sit down on the gravel bar and find precious stones and rocks right in your same spot for a good half hour or more before moving. It was so much fun! I have never "hunted" for some of natures treasures like that before and am hooked! I can't wait to go back. And I also can't wait to do some fun things with the goodies I got this trip! Here is a pic of my fav shells and driftwood I grabbed. The pics of the stones are proving a little difficult. I'll keep trying to get them in focus. I am determined to get back to that stretch of Coast as soon as I can!!

Song Lyrics

I have spent the last hour browsing a blog of an amazing family. (Thanks for the post about it, Helen.) Their little girl has just had a relapse of leukemia, yet they never lose their Faith in the Lord and His Plan. Please check it out and add them to your prayer list.

While I was there, I found these song lyrics that the mother had posted a while back and they just really said something to me, as I have been worrying more daily about protecting my children, so I thought I'd share....

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms



~ Plumb

Has it really been over a month?

I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. Since then, I am no longer working again, Jazmine turned 3, we spent a week at the ocean, Lenny isn't working, and we moved! *phew* I am tired just repeating it all!!

I honestly don't have anything exciting to write about. Doris is staying with us for one more week. She is waiting for her apartment to be ready. It really has been nice having the company, and I will miss her when she goes back to WA. Since Lenny isn't working, he of course, hogs the computer daily so even if I had anything to write about I wouldn't have time! ;) (For those wondering, he has moved up one space on the job list in the last 3 weeks...so he is 36th instead of 37th). I spend most days trying to find room for all the stuff I still have in boxes since I lost storage space in the move. And the children have been fighting like crazy. I feel like every time I turn around I am saying "stop screaming", "say sorry", "no hitting" or "no biting".

I guess that is all I really have for now. Here are a few pics of the new place, though.