4 years

Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. Some days it feels like way longer than that, and other days it seems way shorter than that. We swore the day we got married that we'd have an actual ceremony with friends and family "one day very soon". Well, that obviously hasn't happened, but instead we have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world!! There have been wonderful times, and days when all either of us wanted was OUT. But no matter what we still have not given up. And trust me, the tough times still keep piling up, but things are truly trying to get better. Hopefully just means a stronger foundation in the long run!!!

Rainy Saturday Morning

For starters, let me send tons of love and thank you's to Ame, Brandi, and Erika!! I love you girls!!! Thanks for being there!!!

I think the other day was my "bottom" that I hit. I have felt much better the last couple days. I think my biggest problem is that I hold so much in. Everything. So it gets to me. As soon as I have a meltdown, get something off my chest, etc... I always feel a ton better. I think that may of been just what I needed. And then I had my fabulous friends remind me that even though I may "feel" alone, I am not. Part of the reason I hold everything in is to not appear like I can't handle stuff, but also because the saying "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" really hits home. I am determined to enjoy this life I have, whatever the circumstances, but I am human. Every once in a while that little demon slips into my mind and has me wishing for an easier time. If I could just keep him at bay, I wouldn't even need to have my mini-meltdowns. :)

Now in other news...I have decided that this fabulously rainy Saturday afternoon has been given to me so I can catch up on my house work. I must embarrassingly admit, I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even felt like cleaning. (And we KNOW how much I love to do that!!!) I have kept up with the easy stuff, but the place needs a good dusting and mopping, that is for sure!! And everything I haven't felt like dealing with was just relocated to my bedroom. So I am going to get in there and make some serious progress today!! (Well, that's the game plan, anyway........)

I keep trying to write....

I keep trying to update my blog and I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I have a ton to say, but then I can't figure out exactly how to say it. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Then there are other days where I know what to say, and I type it out, then I delete it. Decide that it is not worth posting. I have no idea what my problem is lately.

I am scatter brained and have no focus, I have zero patience, it takes every ounce of will power to just not break down and cry, I feel totally anti social. I mean I have had phone calls I have needed to make for 3 weeks, and still can't bring myself to pick up the phone for literally the 2 minutes it will take. I can barely bring my self to post on pics on the childrens blog, or email out all the pics to family and friends, or even post on the forum that I actually run! And then I also just feel thoroughly drained. Not just physically, but emotionally.

I am always the positive one, always the one to solve things, fix things, make sure everyone else is going to be okay, make sure nobody else is inconvenienced by anything, I try to take all the stress on my own to shelter everyone else. Or even just pretend that everything is okay and I am fine just so that person doesn't have any extra stress. And I think that years and I do mean literally years, of doing that are catching up to me. I truly feel like if a feather were to land on my shoulders right now I would collapse. Utterly and completely collapse. But yet when it does, I still make my way through it and somehow avoid that collapse for yet another day. Because I know that I won't have enough strength left to pick myself up if I allow that to happen, and I full well know that there won't be anyone else but myself to do. So I make it through another day.

This is just so not like me. I feel like I don't even know who I am becoming any more. I mean outwardly for the most part I am the same to those who are casual observers. But one look into my eyes by someone who truly knows me will know. So I avoid them. I keep up the positive, today is a great day, everything is fabulous exterior. Yet inside I just don't feel that anymore. I literally feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my heart. It takes my breath away when I think about all the stress and everything I am trying to deal with. But I can sure put on a good show for others! Thank goodness my husband is so wrapped up into his own little world that he doesn't even see it. I mean, he may see glimpses of it, but if he does he chooses to ignore. Probably because he is dealing with his own things being out of work for so many months now.

The saying "When you are down, look up" is what I am trying to live by but I don't feel like it's working. I keep crying out asking the Lord to please help me to see what His plan is or what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. But it still stays just beyond my grasp. So I continue in this cycle that I am in. Some days I truly feel like I am losing my mind. Other days I realize that a person can only take so much stress before it starts to affect them. I KNOW that I will be better when things start improving. It is just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Here I am rambling. There is no nice, neat, little ending paragraph for all this nonsense and rambling I have just typed. Another post to be deleted per chance?? Not sure yet. Every other post like this I have deleted. But for some reason this one took just one little weight off of my heart. Maybe that is a sign to not delete it. Maybe I needed to do this to find that extra little strength to get through today so I can face tomorrow.....